Angry (sorry)

This evening I tried a meditation by Penney Pierce called “track daily vibrations” but I quit after 10 minutes or so. This person is very advanced but I just can’t work with her material. I don’t know what it is but it frustrates me, I’m angry right now. Everytime I read something in her book “Frequency” or listen to one of her exercises I just can’t keep up with her. She’s asking all kinds of questions that I can’t answer and it makes me feel totally incompetent. Like the meditation I mentioned; “Note your physical vibration. Note your mental vibration. Now do this and that. Do your feel the difference?” NO I DON’T. After 10 minutes of questions like that it feels completely pointless to do these exercises and I feel down because I just don’t feel it. I can’t answer a single question. I’m already insecure about what I do and this doesn’t help. Again, she seems very advanced but I just think her material is not for me. I’m sure it’s very helpful for others. I know I shouldn’t get so frustrated over this but I’m already fighting to stay positive and this makes it harder. I’ll probably delete this post again soon, we’ll see.

Edit in the morning:

When I woke up I felt fine. Then I noticed my mind going back to yesterday evening and remembering my mood. I could feel the darkness returning but I stopped it by focusing on something positive. I’m not going back there.

Even though I’m not proud of the above I see that I’ve learned. I’ve had these kinds of episodes before and they can get very black. That didn’t happen this time because part of me recognized it and I kept some awareness of breath in the process, so I wasn’t completely absorbed in the negative thoughts.

I think this was caused by a rehearsal yesterday for a healing ceremony I will participate in next weekend. I found myself surrounded by people who, in my mind’s perception, I am inferior to and this caused me to feel fearful and inadequate. I know that’s bullshit and it’s just me being put to the test, an opportunity to free myself. We’ll see how this develops.

Evening meditation

It seems I’m regaining some of my energy and centering. I also ate big meals today and yesterday which is unusual for me, I normally eat quite modest portions. So tonight I started my evening meditation listening to some meditative music to quiet the mind and then did a Light meditation. During this time a plan developed in my head how I want to treat a person with whom I regularly practice shamballa. I let this happen in my head as I found it productive. The Light felt stronger again, this had been weak since last Friday or so. I followed that up with a Violet flame meditation because I hadn’t done that in quite a while and it felt strong. After that I felt centered and empty-minded so I practiced some channeling with Michael. It was okay, nothing spectacular. Michael told me to be patient and wait while a heaviness built in my head which was peculiar. They seemed to want to respond to my post about love today. They found it good but much more could be said about it. I agree… But I didn’t get any extra material.

I would like to be able to enter a trance for channeling and this felt like it could lead to that. Who knows.

Of course afterwards I doubt myself again, are these my own thoughts? But I can’t deny that I have had small predictions in the past that were very specific and came out true.

Love

I find myself wondering about love again. Lately I’m haunted by desires that I thought I had ‘overcome’ or was in the process of overcoming but now they seem to be back in full force. Apparently I haven’t learned my lesson yet? Confusion arises when thinking about love between two persons and unconditional love.
It’s funny how I ‘run into’ relevant material about that topic now that these questions linger in my mind. In the Seth book I’m listening to a chapter about the functions of the brain and how chemicals influence our experience. Additionally, I came across this article on CNN about the very same subject. So when thinking further about it I realized there are some major differences between interpersonal love and unconditional love:

(note: I’m not implying to speak the Truth below, it is only how I view things at this time.)

Interpersonal love can be the basis for a relationship but unconditional love cannot because unconditional love is impersonal, does not judge and applies to all of experience indiscriminately. It will not lead to a choice to commit to a specific relationship. Furthermore, interpersonal love is not unconditional because the relationship will only survive as long as it works for both persons. (Note that ‘works’ can mean different things; a person who keeps an abusive partner to unconsciously punish onseself due to childhood imprinting may seem to be in a bad relationship when viewed from the outside, but the person in question still ‘thinks’ the relationship works.So a ‘working’ relationship does not necessarily look good from the outside.) As soon as one of the partners starts to show behaviour that is unacceptable to the other, the relationship will end.

What the Seth material and the CNN article also made me realize is that interpersonal love includes the desire to mate, which clearly is not the case with unconditional love.

So if a desire to be in a relationship with someone includes the desire to mate, I’m assuming that I’m a slave to brain chemistry and although it feels hard to ignore or dismiss, is ultimately of no importance when looking at the bigger picture.

Also this tells me that I should not compare unconditional love to interpersonal love, nor should I judge myself for not feeling unconditional love for my partner. That’s unrealistic and not how it works. I think best case one can have a good loving relationship with a person and – at the same time – feel unconditional love for All That Is, which of course includes the partner.

It also means that the relationship can be ended if it doesn’t work anymore, while still feeling unconditional love because feeling unconditional love does not infer one should stay in a relationship that is harmful.

Evening meditation

Tonight I dedicated my meditation to sitting in awareness and keep focused on the breath, because lately a lot of fears, doubts and desires that I thought were getting ‘under control’ have come to the forehead again to challenge me, at least that’s how I view it. I’m off center during the day so I need these longer sessions in the evening and it feels good. I even practiced a little channeling again, I talked shortly to Eliyah (nothing spectacular) and there also was a short visit from ‘an old friend’ from a previous life so it seems. The purpose was to express gratitude for helping him/her in that life. Apparently we were Indians and he was severely injured. I took care of him and so he survived and tyhis was grateful to have had the chance to see his children grow up.

Of course after this I was in doubt whether I had been talking to myself but I have been warned of this effect and I should ignore that; things will validate themselves in due time.

Evening meditation

I’m not posting as much lately because I lack the time, there’s so much going on keeping me busy that I’m happy if I even manage to maintain my daily meditations.

The last three days or so are a bit hard, my mood being irritable, quite dark and energy low. Also the confidence in all this spiritual stuff is low but I know these are phases that come and go.

So this evening I did a vipassana meditation that I came across when I viewed the Insight Timer profile of a friend. It was back to the roots for me because Vipassana is the practice I originally started with, and I was in for need of some centering. I must stay the meditation was pretty good and I guess I need it. I think I need to mix the Light meditations with other types to keep in balance.

Relativity

Sometimes it’s useful to realize the true dimensions of manifestation around us and put things in perspective.
When the writer of ‘Untethered Soul’ found himself immersed in worrying about practical details in his life, he always fell back on the realization that we are all running around on a tiny speck of dirt, flying through an immeasurably large space. Today I came across a photo of Earth that was taken by Voyager from a distance of approximately 8 billion kilometers and I had to think of this. The small dot in the circle is Earth.

Morning meditation

Well, I have no idea why I had to be careful with what I say yesterday. There were no escalations that could drive me to say unskillful things.

So the evening meditation yesterday was quite uneventful, mind wandered a lot and I was tired. This morning I still was tired but the meditation felt better anyway. Heart center suddenly felt a bit odd, like it opened up but withy the usual emotions that come with that. Now, after the meditation, my heart area still feels more open and spacious than I’m used to. The feeling of contraction that’s usually there is gone for the moment.

Evening meditation

This evening I sat down again for a Light meditation. Yesterday and the day before I had no evening meditation because of activities. I’ve changed my posture; I went from sitting cross-legged on a cushion to kneeling on a seiza bench. It feels very different. It feels more active but also puts more strain on my back.

As I was flooding my body with the light my right arm jerked somewhat violently. I had the sense that someone was trying to get my attention so I asked who’s there. It was Eliyah again and he wanted to caution me that I have to be careful what I say tomorrow. Also he expressed that he was looking forward to working with me. I responded in kind and thanked him.

I’m curious to see tomorrow what that was about.