Rats&Cats

I want to share something funny that happened last night.

I was in the living room and I saw a rat running into the hallway that leads to the toilet and bathroom. I got up and while crouched, I quietly sneaked towards to the hallway. I could hear a noise coming from the sink. I was low to the floor so I slowly rose up to see what was going on in the sink, expecting to see the rat. As I looked over the edge I saw that there was no rat but the sink was filled with cats stacked on each other, just chilling and enjoying the dripping faucet. I was now standing up and when I looked down I saw three seriously large cats sprawled on the floor around my feet. One had markings like a leopard, one like a tiger and the third one had wolf-like fur and colours. ‘This is too weird, it must be a dream’ I thought. Since I have been engaged with lucid dreaming in the past I know how to do reality-checks so I did that; I tried to push the index finger of my right hand through the palm of my left hand. There was some resistance but it went through. ‘This is a dream!’ Knowing I was going to wake up any second I threw myself on the large cats to cuddle them and then I woke up. Fun stuff 🙂

Less funny was the state I woke up in; typical flu-like symptoms. We’ll see how that develops.

Update

I haven’t been posting a lot lately and I thought I’d post an update.

Shamballa & Non-duality

Ever since I shifted my focus to non-duality by entering Fred Davis’ student program I have been struggling how to reconcile the concepts of non-duality with those of ascended masters, spirits, angels, souls, energywork etcetera. How can there be ‘higher consciousness’ or ‘other consciousness’ when there is only one consciousness and I’m it? It is enough to drive the mind crazy. Since non-duality is riddled with paradoxes, I am trying to stop attempts to understand this. It is just more thought and doesn’t help. That actually makes sense when I consider that everything we can perceive is an arising within the infinite field of consciousness, so the brain and its ‘intelligence’ are arisings within this field. How could the brain (the part) ever comprehend the Oneness (the whole)? This matches what was felt after the glimpse of non-duality that was experienced here. It’s a place that is not reached by thinking or intellectual understanding or philosophy. It is a Knowing that comes from Being.
That Knowing has not been present since and at first I wanted to get back there but I learned there is no getting back because it was a peak experience that one should not try to regain. Besides, it is ego that wants it back. It is the everyday ordinary consciousness\awareness that matters and it’s the ordinary everyday Now that is the magic moment to be aware of. There is only one consciousness and only this moment, the eternal Now. This moment is what it is and it is experienced the way it is, so anything other than full acceptance of this moment is going to cause suffering. It means being happy and enjoying that but not being attached to that feeling as it is transient. It means being okay with not being okay. It means accepting that there is anger or fear or sadness because it is not mine – I’m only watching it. If awareness is cloudy and absorbed in Ego then that is What Is. I am the awareness that is observing, awareness is not touched by any of this, and any experience is as valid as any other is.

Enough rambling about that now. I only got to talking about non-duality because I wanted to explain that it influences the way I participate in Shamballa. At first non-duality and Shamballa seemed mutually exclusive but that conclusion is only the result of limited thinking. When I give or receive a healing I try to stay aware of the fact that there are no individuals, there is only consciousness so that means that the thought world is irrelevant. I used to make plans before a healing because I feared that without a plan or goals it wasn’t going to work. In addition, I set standards to how I should feel; I should be relaxed and confident and feel the energy. None of that is true. I now go into each session from the viewpoint of the single consciousness; I’m oneness healing myself. Whether I’m actually experiencing Oneness or not (spoiler: I’m not) is not important. Pretending to be Oneness is okay as its closer to the truth than believing there is a Dennis. I’m healing myself by healing another. Wanting to understand what is happening or how it works is the desire of the ego and can be ignored. This takes away a lot of pressure and enables me to participate in a session without standards or expectations; whatever happens is exactly right and what the ego thinks of it is irrelevant.

That brings me to the last Shamballa group session I attended which is now two weeks ago. The cards I draw at these evening have been about the same theme the last three months; about me needing to liberate myself from something that is holding me back; that I have the strength to overcome it. As always, these cards give global guidance but also raise many questions. Well, life is a game…so whatever. The healing session was nice. I ended up in a private room with a woman I had only seen once before and we never shared a session. She laid down first and I started ‘my work’, thinking about how she is me and I am her and that in fact it is all one energy. I alternated between standing at her head and at her feet. At some point I was holding her feet to earth her and I ‘saw’ (before my mind’s eye) two white angels descending, one on each side of her. They started to work on her heart area. I couldn’t see what they were doing but I felt that I had to keep grounding her in order to keep things stable so they could finish their work. I lost track of what happened and when I continued ‘I’ worked on her heart centre some more, only to seal off what was done. When I told her afterwards what I thought I had seen she was pleasantly surprised and explained to me that she had been told she had a blockage in her heart centre that needed work. After the session, I spontaneously offered her a healing at my home, which I don’t usually offer. She did indeed contact me a week later and we made an appointment. I like giving a healing at my home because I feel there is no time limit and I’m more at ease. I gave her a healing using meditative music, intuitively placing crystals on her chakras and using shamballa. Again, I ‘saw’ some things (that I have forgotten by now) but we didn’t really discuss our individual experience of that session in detail, which is okay. Only the ego wants to know what it has done happened. I do know that the session lasted about 40 minutes and she was deeply relaxed, which is good enough for meJ.
We talked quite a bit afterwards and she left. It was a fun encounter and I hope it was to her benefit.

Daily experience

So in daily life I try to pretend I’m oneness because, as I said before, it is closer to the truth than believing I’m a Dennis. There are only behavioural patterns here that automatically respond to stimuli and there is experience of senses but no one is the owner of all that – it’s all wrongly attributed to a Dennis. Of course, this is difficult to maintain when I’m engaged with work or other duties, but there is a slow shift going on where ‘I’ find the story of Dennis less and less important. The key is to value direct experience over thinking. Direct experience is the experience you have before words or judgements are applied by the mind, before you have an opinion about What Is. We value our judgment of What Is over the actual experience, which causes suffering. The personal story is only made up of thought and thought is fantasy we are hard-wired to believe. So this is the process I’m in ; trying to ‘catch’ when I’m believing thoughts that cause suffering.
Sometimes I succeed and  many times not, but when I do catch a thought and see it as the fantasy it is and notice the emotion it caused flow away then he knowing that thoughts are not reality is reinforced.
Also I observe what the body is doing and find the one who controls that, which is no-one.

The satsangs and sessions with Fred Davis are helpful but it’s going to be for the long haul and that’s okay.

My daily schedule now includes three meditations which each take about 20 minutes:

-A self-recorded Light meditation that originates from this book

-A higher Self meditation that was suggested to me and I’ve grown to like

-A Microcosmic Orbit because it feels good and it supports my semen retention practice because I use the PC muscle on the out breath.

That’s it for now. I wish you well.

Autumn

As autumn is setting in nature starts to transform. It always gives me mixed feelings; I feel a bit sad the summer is over but on the other hand every season has it’s unique beauty. I don’t have to go far since the Japanese Maple in my back yard stuns me each year with the amazing colors it produces, like the tree is on fire.

Shamballa

Last night was Shamballa night where we come together in a group and practice energy healing. It’s an event that always fills me with anxiety and insecurity before and a sense of fullfillment after. This time the dominating feeling before was disappointment and I considered skipping, but I went anyway. I’m glad I did. Lately it’s very difficult for me to find anything positive in life but being there in that group felt very good and this was very welcome.
We always draw some cards and this time I got this one:


This hit home for me… and by the way this is the card I got the month before…

What a `coincidence`… now all I have to do is figure out which battle they`re referring to because I have several 🙄.

Following that we did a group healing. It was about a construction site where the workers were getting ill for no apparent reason. We focused on it as a group and I saw myself descending a very old stone stairway into a dark cellar which was filled with a black oily fluid. There was no fear and I went into the fluid until I was completely submerged. I figured I`d just radiate white light to penetrate it and when I did the fluid slowly went away. Then a small girl in a dress appeared gesturing I should stop, the fluid was holding something captive and she was guarding that – or that was the feeling it gave me because there was no speech happening. So I stopped and the next thing I saw was a pillar of light coming down on the construction site, penetrating that basement. I saw one or more silhouettes going up through the pillar. After that there was a beautiful bed of flowers.
So after this session we always share our experience but I thought this was so bizarre I`m not going to share. Too much Harry Potter-stuff I thought to myself. When the other participants started to share I was amazed. Two or three other people had seen a vortex of black liquid stuff and a pillar of light. Also the flowers were a theme. So I shared my story as well. The similarities were striking and we were all in awe. This has happened many times before but I`m never going to get used to that I think. I hope that whatever was trapped at that construction site is now free and the people are safe.

So next thing were the healing sessions, one on one. We could use beds again which was nice because I prefer that over a chair or lying on the floor.

I started doing the healing but first I put on some earbuds with meditative music. This is something I decided to try to improve my focus and it worked nicely.
Energy felt strong right from the start which surprised me because these past few months it seemed all energy had gone from me. So I flooded the woman on the table with energy from the head down and it felt very lively. After some time I went to her feet for grounding. Then some brain-balancing and finally I flooded her with unconditional love. I must say that nowadays I try to incorporate non-duality into my healings by realizing that there is only one consciousness and that the person on the table is an expression of that consciousness as am I, but there are no real individuals. So I’m healing myself (and I’m not even doing that, get it 😉).
Afterwards she reported it felt good but intense and at some point she felt she was going to get a headache from the energy but at that exact time I moved to her feet for grounding and she could feel the excess energy flowing away. Cool, ay?

Be well and make use of What Is. 🌺