It’s been a while since I’ve posted. It’s funny, but I really had no interest in posting anything until today. I seem to be in sync with others. This post is me ‘thinking out loud’ so it will be chaotic.

So the last period has been dark. Negativity and depression. I don’t like reporting that because it seems that expressing it further reinforces the feeling. Especially somewhere last week I had a day that may be characterized as a mini ‘dark night’. It took a great deal of effort not to walk out on this life. Just leave everything behind and never look back. I couldn’t find anything positive in my experience. Rationally I knew that I am healthy, have stable relationships, a good job, a nice home and people around me that love me, I just didn’t *feel* it and didn’t care about any of it anymore. But I’ve learned that these states come and go so I managed to trust that and wait it out without doing anything stupid. It still was very difficult.

The circumstances don’t help of course. We are in lockdown in the Netherlands and it has just been extended with at least 3 weeks, which means I don’t get to see some people for a long time. Maybe that disappointment was the trigger for the dark night, I’m not sure. But right now I’m feeling a tad better. I’m constantly investigating myself, trying to view this life’s experiences from the viewpoint of the pure awakeness that I really am. 99% of the time this is difficult and if I don’t feel it I try to fake it. I try to look at what the arms are doing, looking for a ‘decider’ who determine what the arms do. Trying to look through the body instead of as the body. Trying to keep in mind that Dennis is a mental construct, that this body is empty and does not contain me. Instead, I contain the body.

As of yesterday, it has become a bit easier to take the viewpoint of awakeness, don’t know why. Maybe it’s the Jim Newman video I watched yesterday. It probably is a temporary state again.

It seems there is a cycle; I go down into negativity and suffering and if I bear that for a while and crawl out of it, a little ‘progress’ is made and awakened comes more to the foreground, less closed by ‘ Dennis’. Then the next dip comes. Since there is no control over that (or anything else for a matter of fact) I’ll just have to live with it, trying not to resist it. But the resistance is also not under my control.

I , Awakeness, am just observing.

In a few minutes I’ll have another session with Fred Davis. This always causes anxiety. I want to report progress of course, but that’s not how it works. We’ll see. Maybe I’ll report about it.

For now, much love and stay safe ๐ŸŒธ


A while ago I posted that my daily routine is a Microcosmic Orbit, a light meditation and a higher self meditation. This scheme lasted a week or so before it fell apart, but that’s okay because I more and more let things go as they do. I still do these meditations when I feel like it. I don’t have to manage what Dennis is doing and I have no control anyway so this is much easier. I notice more and more that I see myself making plans and then decide to let it go. For example I might think in the evening that next morning I’m going to get up early, meditate and work out. But then I let that go and decide to just wait and see what will happen tomorrow morning. In practice I see that sometimes meditation and working out doesn’t happen when I planned it, andย  it does when I didn’t. I see more and more examples of this and it leads me to not think about decisions, they will happen when needed. Of course there is still a lot of thinking going on here but this is just an interesting development I noticed.

Another development is that I have been listening to a mantra a lot lately. I listen whenever I can and sing along with it if I can, too. Singing has a healing quality to it, it opens me up which is nice because I’m a very closed person. Many times I feel softer now while circumstances haven’t changed.I also noticed I give less and less importance to my history, it doesn’t define me. The same goes for my opinions and positions. I even give less importance to the world, in a way. I just let it do it’s crazy thing (and I know crazy is a judgement, but that’s okay). This doesn’t mean that I don’t do my best to be a ‘good person’ , but I’m just not that heavy about it.

The process of not thinking about things more than necessary is also going forward. The need to understand is strong , but I notice that whether I understand something or not doesn’t really make a difference to my experience.

Desires are strong as always but I’m working on letting them be , just like anything else. This is particularly hard; desires are at the root of ego but I notice that it’s possible to observe desires like any other emotion and decide to do nothing with it. I say it’s hard but that doesn’t mean it involves effort, the only hard part is to not go into the magnetic thought streams that desires tend to produce to amplify themselves , so actually it is only observing which is effortless.

So there is a lot going on, but it’s slow and with ups and downs. This week is an up week , feeling relatively positive and energetic while the weeks before were predominantly down.
Everything is passing so no use in clinging to anything.

be well! ๐ŸŒธ๐Ÿ™

The Novel

Life is a novel that is being read by you, Consciousness.
You are the reader, enjoying the story. Just like a human can read a novel and enjoy the happiness, horror and drama in it – knowing that when the novel is put down the human is not affected.
The more immersive the story the better we like it. Just so is consciousness enjoying this life, your story. It enjoys everything equally; the joyful parts but also the sad, scary or dramatic parts.
Every person is a different novel to consciousness.

Just stay aware that you are the reader and not the novel and enjoy it.


I’ve been doing a daily microcosmic orbit (MCO) again for about two weeks now. The first week I noticed strong mood swings, mostly in the form of negative feelings. The capacity to remain in the observer position was diminished. Then, last Friday I started feeling ill. It is very rare for me to get ill to the degree that I consider calling in sick at work. So I took rest since it was the weekend anyway plus I had to wait at home for the result of the corona test (which came back negative). I paused my MCO’s for the time being. On Sunday there was a noticeable shift and I started getting my energy back. Starting Monday I was fully recovered and back doing MCO again. Also I gave a healing to a family member the same day in the evening followed by a remote healing which worked nicely. I don’t know if it was the MCO that caused the mood swings and sickness but I knew this could happen so I was alert. Another possible cause is the full moon last weekend which also causes upheaval each time as I notice that with myself and the people around me.

In general though, the capacity to ‘step out of’ the Dennis story seems to be slowly getting stronger. The funny thing is that this doesn’t necessarily mean I’m becoming a more pleasant or skilful person. The behavioural patterns remain, I’m just slightly less integrated or identified with them . This is a lot different than what I expected how this would develop. I expected a degree of happiness and bliss to arise. That’s possible and might still come, but for me it seems to be more of a neutrality (not to be confused with indifference). Longing for that bliss or happiness only puts my mind’s focus on the future which is not what I want. First I’ll learn to Be with What Is here and now, not trying to make it special. Just What Is , as it is.