Where to begin, so much going on and at the same time nothing is going on.

The daily experience here has been fluctuating violently these past weeks. I can feel super depressed, be disappointed in life , looking forward to it ending (that’s not the same as being suicidal) and 10 minutes later feel a wave of subtle joy that causes me to sing out loud. I had to get used to this. In the beginning I would suppress such waves because I thought it is odd and I didn’t know where it was coming from. Now I just accept the mood swings, just letting them be. I try the same with the depressed moods, try to let them be and stay aware that they are just temporary arisings but sometimes they’re just too strong for that and I have to ride them out.

I’m still thinking that this depressed/disappointed mood comes from a slow but steadily growing insight that there is no Dennis. I’m sure the social isolation that’s present around us now also plays a role, but that’s different. Dennis has some deep desires that have been reigning this life for a few years now and letting these desires just be without worrying about fulfilling them leaves a void that I don’t know yet what to do with. Desires are related to control because they give direction to our actions. Letting go of desires equals letting go of the illusion of control. I guess I’ll just let that be void be, just liked everything else.

The feeling that there is no Dennis manifests in different ways in different scenarios. When I’m at home it is more difficult to stay awake and observe the reactive patterns because they are so deeply entrenched after living here for 21 years with the same people. When I ride my bicycle to work it’s easier; I can look down at the arms and legs and see that they are making complex movements but I’m not doing it. Also thoughts are easier to observe on the bike. I’m typing this text while observing my hands’ movement, looking thought the body instead of an the body. When I get to work I have to focus at that so usually there is less conscious awareness. When I’m proven wrong in a discussion ( which happens frequently…) I’m aware of the ego response but I don’t express it.

Overall speaking I see a slow trend of increasing conscious awareness, where I am aware of the presence and content of thought, the body and its activity and sensations, and emotions.

Somehow I feel that this darkness is something I just have to go through, like growing pains.

I try to find positive things in life, like the fact that I and my family are healthy and we still have our jobs.

Signing off now, bedtime…

Be well 🌸


Well , I don’t think I ever went this long without posting anything…
I just didn’t feel like posting anything and even thought about taking the site offline. Yet here I am typing again.
This is in line with a process that I notice is going on here. I’m getting more and more disappointed in Life it seems. I see all these desires that I thought would make my life better if they were fulfilled. Lately however I’m finding out that these desires will not make my life better. The fantasies in the mind are always perfect so when the fantasy is realized the actual experience is always disappointing. I’ve been letting go of a lot of desires and this was no big deal , but I’m slowly starting to let go of the big ones and this creates an empty feeling that I don’t know how to fill – if that’s needed.
I had hoped that by letting go of the Dennis identity by means of dismantling desires, a certain peace would come in it’s place but as of now that is not the case. Instead, a feeling of disappointment and pointlessness has arisen. The general charactization of Life as I see it now is that it’s ‘disappointless’. I kinda like that term πŸ™‚. I’m not sure though that this is necessarily a bad development. It’s not pleasant – that’s for sure but I’ve heard before that when the false identity drops away , a period of grief can set in and also a feeling of ‘what now?’ so I guess disappointlessness falls in that category.

During the day I try to ‘look through the body, not as the body’ as much as I can and the meditations I do are mostly ‘just Be’ sessions where I go sit with the sole intention of staying aware of what arises in consciousness, allowing everything.
Also sometimes, when I feel overwhelmed by tension and unrest , I go sit and start by bringing full awareness to the body experience. When that’s somewhat established I state the intention to let any thought,feeling,emotion or sensation go through my system without resistance, welcoming and accepting anything. I view myself as an open conduit through which things can pass without obstruction. This usually helps a great deal, but I also notice that as soon as I stop, the unrest starts to build again.
Recently I read a text somewhere where it was stated that this excercise is critical in this time, as the world is in so much turmoil that we don’t just feel our own unrest , but also the collective unrest. Maybe that’s true, because sometimes a wave of anxiety\unrest can arise here and I have no idea where it came from. usually when I notice these feelings I can see the thought stream that caused them but sometimes they seem to come from nowhere.

Letting go of desires feels very disruptive. Desires are the drive behind many of our actions because we think that fulfilling these desires will mak eus happy , so letting them go is also letting go of the wish\hope to be happy. It’s about accepting What Is , as it is. I have to keep in mind that these desires are just arising , and actions\decisions are just happening. Nobody is doing them! This feeling of general disappointlessness can be observed as ‘not mine’ , but that’s the hard part.
I just hope that all this turns out to be worth it in the long run , but that too is Dennis talking.

There’s more to be said here but I’m done typing.
I wish you well 🌸


It’s been a while since I’ve posted. It’s funny, but I really had no interest in posting anything until today. I seem to be in sync with others. This post is me ‘thinking out loud’ so it will be chaotic.

So the last period has been dark. Negativity and depression. I don’t like reporting that because it seems that expressing it further reinforces the feeling. Especially somewhere last week I had a day that may be characterized as a mini ‘dark night’. It took a great deal of effort not to walk out on this life. Just leave everything behind and never look back. I couldn’t find anything positive in my experience. Rationally I knew that I am healthy, have stable relationships, a good job, a nice home and people around me that love me, I just didn’t *feel* it and didn’t care about any of it anymore. But I’ve learned that these states come and go so I managed to trust that and wait it out without doing anything stupid. It still was very difficult.

The circumstances don’t help of course. We are in lockdown in the Netherlands and it has just been extended with at least 3 weeks, which means I don’t get to see some people for a long time. Maybe that disappointment was the trigger for the dark night, I’m not sure. But right now I’m feeling a tad better. I’m constantly investigating myself, trying to view this life’s experiences from the viewpoint of the pure awakeness that I really am. 99% of the time this is difficult and if I don’t feel it I try to fake it. I try to look at what the arms are doing, looking for a ‘decider’ who determine what the arms do. Trying to look through the body instead of as the body. Trying to keep in mind that Dennis is a mental construct, that this body is empty and does not contain me. Instead, I contain the body.

As of yesterday, it has become a bit easier to take the viewpoint of awakeness, don’t know why. Maybe it’s the Jim Newman video I watched yesterday. It probably is a temporary state again.

It seems there is a cycle; I go down into negativity and suffering and if I bear that for a while and crawl out of it, a little ‘progress’ is made and awakened comes more to the foreground, less closed by ‘ Dennis’. Then the next dip comes. Since there is no control over that (or anything else for a matter of fact) I’ll just have to live with it, trying not to resist it. But the resistance is also not under my control.

I , Awakeness, am just observing.

In a few minutes I’ll have another session with Fred Davis. This always causes anxiety. I want to report progress of course, but that’s not how it works. We’ll see. Maybe I’ll report about it.

For now, much love and stay safe 🌸


A while ago I posted that my daily routine is a Microcosmic Orbit, a light meditation and a higher self meditation. This scheme lasted a week or so before it fell apart, but that’s okay because I more and more let things go as they do. I still do these meditations when I feel like it. I don’t have to manage what Dennis is doing and I have no control anyway so this is much easier. I notice more and more that I see myself making plans and then decide to let it go. For example I might think in the evening that next morning I’m going to get up early, meditate and work out. But then I let that go and decide to just wait and see what will happen tomorrow morning. In practice I see that sometimes meditation and working out doesn’t happen when I planned it, andΒ  it does when I didn’t. I see more and more examples of this and it leads me to not think about decisions, they will happen when needed. Of course there is still a lot of thinking going on here but this is just an interesting development I noticed.

Another development is that I have been listening to a mantra a lot lately. I listen whenever I can and sing along with it if I can, too. Singing has a healing quality to it, it opens me up which is nice because I’m a very closed person. Many times I feel softer now while circumstances haven’t changed.I also noticed I give less and less importance to my history, it doesn’t define me. The same goes for my opinions and positions. I even give less importance to the world, in a way. I just let it do it’s crazy thing (and I know crazy is a judgement, but that’s okay). This doesn’t mean that I don’t do my best to be a ‘good person’ , but I’m just not that heavy about it.

The process of not thinking about things more than necessary is also going forward. The need to understand is strong , but I notice that whether I understand something or not doesn’t really make a difference to my experience.

Desires are strong as always but I’m working on letting them be , just like anything else. This is particularly hard; desires are at the root of ego but I notice that it’s possible to observe desires like any other emotion and decide to do nothing with it. I say it’s hard but that doesn’t mean it involves effort, the only hard part is to not go into the magnetic thought streams that desires tend to produce to amplify themselves , so actually it is only observing which is effortless.

So there is a lot going on, but it’s slow and with ups and downs. This week is an up week , feeling relatively positive and energetic while the weeks before were predominantly down.
Everything is passing so no use in clinging to anything.

be well! πŸŒΈπŸ™