Mood-o-meter

It’s been a while since I’ve posted. It’s funny, but I really had no interest in posting anything until today. I seem to be in sync with others. This post is me ‘thinking out loud’ so it will be chaotic.

So the last period has been dark. Negativity and depression. I don’t like reporting that because it seems that expressing it further reinforces the feeling. Especially somewhere last week I had a day that may be characterized as a mini ‘dark night’. It took a great deal of effort not to walk out on this life. Just leave everything behind and never look back. I couldn’t find anything positive in my experience. Rationally I knew that I am healthy, have stable relationships, a good job, a nice home and people around me that love me, I just didn’t *feel* it and didn’t care about any of it anymore. But I’ve learned that these states come and go so I managed to trust that and wait it out without doing anything stupid. It still was very difficult.

The circumstances don’t help of course. We are in lockdown in the Netherlands and it has just been extended with at least 3 weeks, which means I don’t get to see some people for a long time. Maybe that disappointment was the trigger for the dark night, I’m not sure. But right now I’m feeling a tad better. I’m constantly investigating myself, trying to view this life’s experiences from the viewpoint of the pure awakeness that I really am. 99% of the time this is difficult and if I don’t feel it I try to fake it. I try to look at what the arms are doing, looking for a ‘decider’ who determine what the arms do. Trying to look through the body instead of as the body. Trying to keep in mind that Dennis is a mental construct, that this body is empty and does not contain me. Instead, I contain the body.

As of yesterday, it has become a bit easier to take the viewpoint of awakeness, don’t know why. Maybe it’s the Jim Newman video I watched yesterday. It probably is a temporary state again.

It seems there is a cycle; I go down into negativity and suffering and if I bear that for a while and crawl out of it, a little ‘progress’ is made and awakened comes more to the foreground, less closed by ‘ Dennis’. Then the next dip comes. Since there is no control over that (or anything else for a matter of fact) I’ll just have to live with it, trying not to resist it. But the resistance is also not under my control.

I , Awakeness, am just observing.

In a few minutes I’ll have another session with Fred Davis. This always causes anxiety. I want to report progress of course, but that’s not how it works. We’ll see. Maybe I’ll report about it.

For now, much love and stay safe 🌸

Rats&Cats

I want to share something funny that happened last night.

I was in the living room and I saw a rat running into the hallway that leads to the toilet and bathroom. I got up and while crouched, I quietly sneaked towards to the hallway. I could hear a noise coming from the sink. I was low to the floor so I slowly rose up to see what was going on in the sink, expecting to see the rat. As I looked over the edge I saw that there was no rat but the sink was filled with cats stacked on each other, just chilling and enjoying the dripping faucet. I was now standing up and when I looked down I saw three seriously large cats sprawled on the floor around my feet. One had markings like a leopard, one like a tiger and the third one had wolf-like fur and colours. ‘This is too weird, it must be a dream’ I thought. Since I have been engaged with lucid dreaming in the past I know how to do reality-checks so I did that; I tried to push the index finger of my right hand through the palm of my left hand. There was some resistance but it went through. ‘This is a dream!’ Knowing I was going to wake up any second I threw myself on the large cats to cuddle them and then I woke up. Fun stuff 🙂

Less funny was the state I woke up in; typical flu-like symptoms. We’ll see how that develops.

Update

I haven’t been posting a lot lately and I thought I’d post an update.

Shamballa & Non-duality

Ever since I shifted my focus to non-duality by entering Fred Davis’ student program I have been struggling how to reconcile the concepts of non-duality with those of ascended masters, spirits, angels, souls, energywork etcetera. How can there be ‘higher consciousness’ or ‘other consciousness’ when there is only one consciousness and I’m it? It is enough to drive the mind crazy. Since non-duality is riddled with paradoxes, I am trying to stop attempts to understand this. It is just more thought and doesn’t help. That actually makes sense when I consider that everything we can perceive is an arising within the infinite field of consciousness, so the brain and its ‘intelligence’ are arisings within this field. How could the brain (the part) ever comprehend the Oneness (the whole)? This matches what was felt after the glimpse of non-duality that was experienced here. It’s a place that is not reached by thinking or intellectual understanding or philosophy. It is a Knowing that comes from Being.
That Knowing has not been present since and at first I wanted to get back there but I learned there is no getting back because it was a peak experience that one should not try to regain. Besides, it is ego that wants it back. It is the everyday ordinary consciousness\awareness that matters and it’s the ordinary everyday Now that is the magic moment to be aware of. There is only one consciousness and only this moment, the eternal Now. This moment is what it is and it is experienced the way it is, so anything other than full acceptance of this moment is going to cause suffering. It means being happy and enjoying that but not being attached to that feeling as it is transient. It means being okay with not being okay. It means accepting that there is anger or fear or sadness because it is not mine – I’m only watching it. If awareness is cloudy and absorbed in Ego then that is What Is. I am the awareness that is observing, awareness is not touched by any of this, and any experience is as valid as any other is.

Enough rambling about that now. I only got to talking about non-duality because I wanted to explain that it influences the way I participate in Shamballa. At first non-duality and Shamballa seemed mutually exclusive but that conclusion is only the result of limited thinking. When I give or receive a healing I try to stay aware of the fact that there are no individuals, there is only consciousness so that means that the thought world is irrelevant. I used to make plans before a healing because I feared that without a plan or goals it wasn’t going to work. In addition, I set standards to how I should feel; I should be relaxed and confident and feel the energy. None of that is true. I now go into each session from the viewpoint of the single consciousness; I’m oneness healing myself. Whether I’m actually experiencing Oneness or not (spoiler: I’m not) is not important. Pretending to be Oneness is okay as its closer to the truth than believing there is a Dennis. I’m healing myself by healing another. Wanting to understand what is happening or how it works is the desire of the ego and can be ignored. This takes away a lot of pressure and enables me to participate in a session without standards or expectations; whatever happens is exactly right and what the ego thinks of it is irrelevant.

That brings me to the last Shamballa group session I attended which is now two weeks ago. The cards I draw at these evening have been about the same theme the last three months; about me needing to liberate myself from something that is holding me back; that I have the strength to overcome it. As always, these cards give global guidance but also raise many questions. Well, life is a game…so whatever. The healing session was nice. I ended up in a private room with a woman I had only seen once before and we never shared a session. She laid down first and I started ‘my work’, thinking about how she is me and I am her and that in fact it is all one energy. I alternated between standing at her head and at her feet. At some point I was holding her feet to earth her and I ‘saw’ (before my mind’s eye) two white angels descending, one on each side of her. They started to work on her heart area. I couldn’t see what they were doing but I felt that I had to keep grounding her in order to keep things stable so they could finish their work. I lost track of what happened and when I continued ‘I’ worked on her heart centre some more, only to seal off what was done. When I told her afterwards what I thought I had seen she was pleasantly surprised and explained to me that she had been told she had a blockage in her heart centre that needed work. After the session, I spontaneously offered her a healing at my home, which I don’t usually offer. She did indeed contact me a week later and we made an appointment. I like giving a healing at my home because I feel there is no time limit and I’m more at ease. I gave her a healing using meditative music, intuitively placing crystals on her chakras and using shamballa. Again, I ‘saw’ some things (that I have forgotten by now) but we didn’t really discuss our individual experience of that session in detail, which is okay. Only the ego wants to know what it has done happened. I do know that the session lasted about 40 minutes and she was deeply relaxed, which is good enough for meJ.
We talked quite a bit afterwards and she left. It was a fun encounter and I hope it was to her benefit.

Daily experience

So in daily life I try to pretend I’m oneness because, as I said before, it is closer to the truth than believing I’m a Dennis. There are only behavioural patterns here that automatically respond to stimuli and there is experience of senses but no one is the owner of all that – it’s all wrongly attributed to a Dennis. Of course, this is difficult to maintain when I’m engaged with work or other duties, but there is a slow shift going on where ‘I’ find the story of Dennis less and less important. The key is to value direct experience over thinking. Direct experience is the experience you have before words or judgements are applied by the mind, before you have an opinion about What Is. We value our judgment of What Is over the actual experience, which causes suffering. The personal story is only made up of thought and thought is fantasy we are hard-wired to believe. So this is the process I’m in ; trying to ‘catch’ when I’m believing thoughts that cause suffering.
Sometimes I succeed and  many times not, but when I do catch a thought and see it as the fantasy it is and notice the emotion it caused flow away then he knowing that thoughts are not reality is reinforced.
Also I observe what the body is doing and find the one who controls that, which is no-one.

The satsangs and sessions with Fred Davis are helpful but it’s going to be for the long haul and that’s okay.

My daily schedule now includes three meditations which each take about 20 minutes:

-A self-recorded Light meditation that originates from this book

-A higher Self meditation that was suggested to me and I’ve grown to like

-A Microcosmic Orbit because it feels good and it supports my semen retention practice because I use the PC muscle on the out breath.

That’s it for now. I wish you well.