Mood-o-meter

I haven’t posted anything significant in a quite a while. I just didn’t know what to write. I still don’t really know but I feel the urge to write something so here goes. It probably will be a chaotic post but that’s fine.

First of all the Fred Davis non-duality stuff. This has my focus now where earlier my focus was more on energy practice. I still work with energy occasionally but my main focus is on non-duality. Energy still plays a role but maybe I’ll explain that later in this post.

For those who are unfamiliar with non-duality: it refers to the fact that there is only one consciousness that is looking through each set of eyes in this manifestation. The idea that each of us has a separate, individual consciousness is an illusion.

So a while ago I participated in a group awakening course conducted by Fred Davis. I had been following Fred on YouTube for some time, I really like his style. In the past I also rented a video by Fred that was made earlier from a similar group awakening session and now I was able to attend such a session live. (The recording of this new course is now available for rent) Although ‘I’ didn’t wake up myself in that course, several others did and it was quite an experience. In fact, the material is still doing it’s work with me as I replay the recordings.

After the course I saw a post on his blog that there were some openings in his student program which was the first time in years. I jumped to the opportunity and I was allowed to enter the program. This means I’ll have a one hour personal session with Fred each month plus I can attend the Satsangs each Sunday where fellow students and other people come together to explore the subject of nonduality. I’m happy to be a part of that since I was in need of some guidance and I’m (un)learning a lot.

The subject of nonduality caused some confusion as well. How does that fit in with working with ascended masters, higher self, spirit guides, reincarnation, shamballa and so on? If my true nature is this field of awareness in which all of manifestation takes place then all of those beings and energies must be part of me too. I mulled this over for a while and then decided to drop it; mind is not equipped to understand these things. I just accept that I cannot possibly understand everything from the limited perspective of this realm. I do integrated it in one way though. If I accept the given that this body with its senses is a tool to experience this world of manifestation, then the field of consciousness must be connected to it in some way. I feel this is though the heart center, where also the connection is to the higher self or ‘I Am’ (according to st.Germain). So I visualize that I am not the body but I am this infinite field of awareness, connected to this body through the heart center. This way I integrate the Light meditation with non-duality.

So I’m focused on nonduality now, which brings a lot of confusion. When I have difficult emotions, I can go two routes:

A) the Tantric way: dive into the emotion and feel it thoroughly, mentally and physically. Let it flow and see what message or insight is hidden in it, or

B) go the Nondual way: where is the one who suffers? Where is the owner of the thoughts? The thoughts and emotions are only arisings in consciousness, they are not owned by anyone. So you let them simply be.

These two approaches couldn’t be more different and I intend to use my next session with Fred to dive into this topic.

Furthermore I try to stay aware during the day of What Is. Stay in touch with that field of awareness which is actually Me. One of the things I keep in mind if that this body is in my consciousness, instead of my consciousness being in this body as I thought before. I am the witness of everything that arises in manifestation. So I am not mind or body, rather mind and body arise within me.

That’s it for today, be well 🌸

What Is

This morning during my exercises I started talking out loud to myself. I never do this so I thought it was a bit peculiar. This is what I said (pardon the language but I’m keeping it authentic):

Wanting to f*ck someone is looking for pleasure. Wanting to cuddle with someone is looking for pleasure. Wanting to talk with someone is looking for pleasure. Once the desire has been fulfilled a new desire will arise. A desire for something better, something deeper. And so the cycle continues. Stop wanting pleasure. Stop wanting pleasure and start accepting What Is. 


What Is is not what your mind thinks it is. What Is is What Is.

Mood-o-meter

I’ve been wanting to post here about my current experience but I find that difficult. There’s just so much confusion I don’t know where to start.
I find myself battling with so many strong emotions. Frustration, resentment, all kinds of deep desires etcetera. They’ve been with me for such a long time now it seems I’m either too stubborn to learn my lesson or I’m just missing something. It’s wearing me out.

At the same time I try to see these feelings and emotions as arisings without an owner. As ‘I’ have seen in the past, there is no Dennis. I am the Observer , the awake space in which all objects that are perceived arise and pass. The awakeness is always there, but the objects come and go. It’s just that Awakeness is mistakenly identified with what is perceived instead of the Observer (I Am) itself. Having seen this in the past doesn’t mean though that it is Known right now. When ‘I’ perceived Truth, it was a Knowing that is at the cellular level , or so it felt. It is not a function of the brain or the result of thought. It is not deduced or the produce of rational reason. It is simply Known and there is no thought involved in that. Awakeness had a Dennis-free moment. It lasted only a few seconds however and now it is merely a memory of ‘Dennis’. So I try to keep in mind that there is no Dennis and I’m not the owner of these feelings and emotions or any other feeling or emotion. It’s like when you walk in the woods and a leaf falls from a tree. It falls through the air before you on its way to the soil. You don’t look at that leaf and say “that’s my leaf. It’s a bad leaf. I want it to be different.” No. It’s just a leaf, it briefly passed through your awareness and you attributed no personal value to it. It’s the same with thoughts , emotions, feelings , anything and everything you can perceive. So I try to remind myself of this and that these emotions are not mine – they just are, but the Knowing is gone so the suffering is present. Rationally knowing that they are not mine does not change my experience.

So this is the split I’m in. I’m looking to either solve the situation so that these emotions are resolved and I can be at ease again, but there really is no acceptable solution so the only way ‘out’ is to find my way to Truth again.

I hope working with Fred Davis will help , but I also know that it’s Dennis who is doing the hoping 😄 Argh……

Evening meditation

It’s difficult lately. Moods are dark and meditations feel kind of useless. I’m just so closed off from my feelings, my heart feels like a fortress. Tonight I did this very good loving kindness meditation in an attempt to soften me up and it worked nicely. As a result the Light meditation I did after that felt good too. I finished with a 10-minute Microcosmic Orbit which also felt good; I could feel warmth going around. I did the version with the guided audio in which you go to the next energy center with each exhalation. I used a trick by Robert Bruce I had forgotten; to imagine feeling the touch of a finger lightly tracing the path of the energy over your skin, this helps with precisely placing and maintaining the awareness. It worked very well and felt effective. I was in dear need of a good session.

Looking forward to my session with Fred Davis tomorrow, too. Trying not have have any expectations.

Mood-o-meter

I’m really in the deep low frequencies lately. Lots of frustration, anger, resentment, impatience, self loathing,you name it. Most meditations feel dull and lifeless. Tonight I came across this person on YouTube and I tried a meditation of his. It’s nothing new – just staying aware of sensory input and the presence of thoughts – just as I do many times, but I haven’t been doing that lately. I’ve been focusing too much on the light meditation which is unbalanced. This was just what I needed – so very centering. It’s as Blavatsky said : “Mind is a useful servant but a cruel master”. After a session of an hour I feel much better.

Energy

Today is a remarkable day energy-wise. I’m feeling quite Present all the time today. The activity in my heart center\solar plexus of this morning has continued. A desire I have been trying to understand the last year was very prominent in my awareness and I found myself trying to transcend\transmute that desire, even as I was walking through the supermarket shopping for groceries. Each time I noticed a wave of the desire I sent it into my stomach in order to ‘burn’ it in golden energy. I felt strong enough today to do that. I can’t remember ever being stronger than this. I don’t want desire to dictate my life or my experience anymore. When I got home I went up to my meditation room and I lied down on my own treatment table. I started a Light meditation during which I invited a lot of Light beings to work on me. I even invited the shamballa family and gave myself a healing. It felt quite strong. I followed it up with a Violet Flame meditation which also felt strong. There is heat in my chest now as I write this.

I’m curious as to how this will develop. Normally after a high I’d expect a low. We’ll see what happens.

Mood-o-meter

Mood is going up and down constantly and extremely but I hear this from a lot of contacts around me so it’s not just me. Recently I posted a bit of channeling and on that day for done reason I was very centered. Not only on the cushion but also during the day. I was able to stay with the breath during activities, minimizing thoughts and their influence. I felt calm and empty (in a good way). From that emptiness came the channeling during meditation. I thought I may have had a breakthrough, maybe I finally made a significant step towards true peace and happiness. Turns out it was short lived. The days after that up until now are among the worst ever, in a sense that I feel unrest , discontent and I am unable to find that centeredness and calm again. Meditations feel almost useless but I do then anyway. I try to remind myself that everything passes and so shall this.

Some support is coming from a book by St. Germain I’m reading. The timeline in the book may have proven to be inaccurate but the wisdom in it is not diminished by that.

Still doing my affirmations after my morning light meditation:

I am a positive person

A strong energy flows through me

I am a talented healer

I am good at channeling

I’m full of love

Note to self

Something I did not get about mindfulness for a long time and I have to remind myself of this frequently:

The trick is to be aware of being aware of my experience. So instead of monitoring the contents of what is being perceived and thought, be aware of the process of being aware of that.
So when I hear ,I try to be aware that there is hearing instead of being aware of the dog’s barking. If I think something, I try to be aware of the fact that there is thought instead of focusing on the content of the thought.

A good trick is also to try and look at your experience through the body instead of as the body.
The body is the instrument I use to experience this world, it is not me.
I am the awareness.

Desires and fears

A conversation I had last Tuesday got me thinking about desires. I’ve been dealing a lot with that (and fears too) the last few years and it’s still a fight every day. They’re my single biggest obstacle to being at peace and they are closely related. Fears aren’t necessarily a problem. Running away from a charging predator in the forest seems a healthy choice to me but modern fears mainly pertain to fantasies in our head, things that we think might happen (or not happen). Desires aren’t necessarily a problem too; they can give direction and purpose to our actions and if one is steadily working towards a desired goal this can be a great journey. Problems arise when this goal is not achievable or realistic. I’m not going the Buddhist path by saying that personality is an illusion, that everything is ephemeral and that attachment equals suffering. Having a goal is fine, as long one is not attached to accomplishing it. A desire is a goal with attachment to the outcome and this will result in suffering. Even though that is all true, it is not a very helpful approach unless you’re in a monastery.

Take the desire for some relationship. Look at your life right now and not the picture you painted of the future. Is your relationship really that bad? Or is it good but you just have created this picture in your head of how wonderful things should\could be, without checking how great the chances are of this fantasy really turning out that way? Our minds are brilliant at creating wonderful future images or, at the other extreme, horrible ones too. When we focus on an imaginary future we lose track of the Now. Most of the time this Now isn’t all that bad. We lose ourselves in the future image which has no reality to it and we keep comparing that with our current situation, making the Now seem bad. This is not a fair comparison since the Mind knows exactly what our weak spots are and how to construct the most amazing future. The desire results in a fear of missing out because as time progresses and the desire is not fulfilled, we grow scared we’ll never ‘get it’.
We project the missing out into the future and imagine our lives in misery without ever satisfying this desire while we can’t know what our life will be like tomorrow, let alone one year or 10 years from now. So I try to take it a day at a time and not give the mind the privilege of painting a future for me. Take life a day at a time and stay in the Now. Observe every moment as it presents itself, not wanting it to be any specific way. I think this is one of Life’s hardest and greatest lessons. This text is a reminder for myself too and a life task in progress.

Stay strong, be Present and take care!

Mood-o-meter

My mood has been getting better the last few days. Slowly feeling stronger and more positive again.

A few days ago I started doing 10 minutes of affirmations daily to manifest the properties in me that I want:

I am a positive person. I have strong energy. I’m a gifted healer. I am filled with love.

It’s a technique that is well known and was mentioned again in a book I’m listening to. The instructions were to do 10 minutes daily of affirmations, choosing to ditch limiting old beliefs and for those 10 minutes really believe the affirmations you are making to be true. After those 10 minutes, forget about them. Then opportunities will arise in daily life that will give you a choice; respond in accordance with your old beliefs about yourself – or in accordance with your new beliefs. You know what to do 😉.

I’ve been working on a way to get the spiritual events that I used to attend going again online, like meditation evenings and shamballa group sessions. I hope this will work out well and more people will be interested to attend like I am. Next Tuesday there is a first test session with an online meditation followed by a short group shamballa session on the 12th of May.

We’ll see how it goes.