This evening I decided to just sit and stay with the breath, so I sat down in my meditation room and did just that. After about half an hour I was feeling quite calm and neutral. In that room I’m surrounded by a number of stones and I got the idea to pick one up and see how it feels; since I’m feeling neutral and I’m nicely focused maybe I could feel the difference. The first one I picked up was a citrine point. I held it in my hands and focused on the stone for a few minutes. I noticed I started to feel more optimistic and willing to act, wanting to do something like create or repair something. Next I picked up a piece of shungite. I focused on being aware I was holding the stone and I could feel the citrine influence slowly dissipating, being replaced by an assuring calmness. Maybe I’ll practice this more often to train my sensitivity because I think the same sensitivity is related to intuition\channeling and if like to have more of that.
I’ve been a bit de-railed lately, mainly because of the situation at my work place which has been – and still is – a great teacher. I haven’t meditated as much and when I did, I wasn’t able to maintain focus .
Let’s see how it goes once things quiet down, it’s just part of the game.
Happy New year 🎉🌸🍀
My recent fear was unjustified and a very valuable lesson was learned (again) ; not to let mind create what is not there. Mind created huge future problems in my head which in turn produced great fear and anxiety and it was all for nothing. Had I stayed with ‘what is’ and not tried to deduce what might happen in the near future, a lot of stress would have been prevented.
Having all this fear about events that might happen in the near future gave me an opportunity to practice being open and trusting to life, accepting whatever comes on my path. At times when I managed to be accepting, the anxiety was absent. When I couldn’t accept and was off-center, anxiety raged. The reality around me is the same in both cases, but the experience of it is very different.
Another big lesson was seeing my egoic attachment to the image others have of me. I thought I didn’t really care about that but I do- and a lot more than I was willing to admit. This episode has shown me just that.
The last few days have been tough and it’s not over yet. I was warned recently that a period of fear was coming and this has turned out to be very true. It’s amazing to see how my mind will take what’s going on and go wild with making the worst possible story for me to worry about. I notice I’m much better equipped now to handle that stress but it’s still very challenging. Also it has shown me how I’m still very much attached to being perceived as a good professional, much more than I thought I was.
Most light meditations aren’t very eventful and I don’t log those here like last evening; focus was horrible and mind was all over the place. It seems that every time I have one of those stronger meditations I need to recharge or something and the subsequent meditations will be dull.
Tonight was a strong light meditation. After a few minutes my body started feeling ‘buzzy’, I guess from the energy. I felt quite nice and sometimes a wave of tingles would come over my torso. Something I also started doing lately is to imagine the light flowing into my head and fusing the two brain halves so that it becomes one. I did that tonight also and somehow the light just kept getting brighter and brighter in my head and the energy got quite strong. A feeling of pressure built up in my head and there also was a lot of pressure on the third eye. At one point there was like a ‘pop’ in my head and the energy instantly got a lot more intense but nothing else happened. I thought of the tree and I imagined it talking to me. I had something of a conversation with it but I can’t remember it anymore except we expressed mutual love. Then I did the same with the Guides, they told me I was vulnerable and open now and I should be careful so I asked archangel Michael for a pillar of light . Then they told me I would have a period of dealing with fear because fear blocks the seeing of Truth. I remember being doubtful that it was my own thoughts again. I had to stop because I was very tired so I thanked everyone and went to bed.
It’s been a bit chaotic the last few days, I’ve been meditating with friends and at Sangoma which is nice but it means I skipped my Light meditation a few times. So tonight I was in my meditation room again to catch up. I noticed that I had missed my room so I guess the energy there is good for me. I started out with a 20 minute light meditation which felt good and followed that up with a 10-minute Violet Flame meditation which also felt quite powerful. After that I remained seated for another 20 minutes just being aware and I noticed something. I always wonder why it is that sometimes (rarely) I get these spontaneous images (like angels descending upon me or other stuff) but most of the time I don’t get anything. I think I noticed now that I’m so used to try to maintain focus on something that it’s hard for me to give room for anything. For example, when I focus on the breath , as soon as anything else comes into my awareness I’ll stop that and go back to the breath. So I’m actually killing anything spontaneous. What I’ve tried now is to be more discerning what the distraction is; if my attention moved away from the meditation object I try to check what’s happening- if it’s a thought stream (like shopping lists and the likes) I take my attention back to the object. If it’s anything else like images I let it be and give it space depending on the nature of the images. This is a bit difficult as it is un-learning a habit for me but it felt more spacious when I did that. I’ll keep trying to do it this way and see what happens.
While doing my Light meditation this morning I realized I was trying to control my experience. The light in my body should feel healing and strong. The golden sun in my heart should feel warm and loving. A feeling of anxiety arose and I didn’t like that so I tried to push it away. I noticed this and it’s preconceptions and expectations at work. In a sense I’m denying my experience. So instead of trying to control or color my experience I tried to focus on the visual image of the light in my body and the sun in my heart, without generating a specific feeling to go with that. It was relaxing , I’ll try it again next time to see how that goes.
A big part of the spiritual path for me means learning to see through the patterns and workings of the constructed self (ego); the ways it limits me and prevents me from being truly happy. As I learn how this works the ego’s influence diminishes and it shrinks. This un-learning of patterns brings more openness and allows for growth. Sometimes this growth can manifest peak experiences, like energy events or bliss or epiphanies. Lately I’ve been having some new developments and although the growing confidence is probably conducive to more growth, it also has a darker side. I see myself replacing my old ego with a spiritual one. I identify with these events and add them to my list of ‘achievements’. Of course the recent developments are positive, but I should try not to be attached to them. I try to prevent this building of a spiritual ego by attributing the achievements to my higher self instead of Dennis. This seems correct because the more I step aside and do nothing, the more seems to happen.
This evening I did a 20-minute guided Light meditation again and after that was finished I kept focusing on the light in the heart center. (Yesterday evening and this morning the meditation felt a bit ‘dead’ but I suppose that may be related to the energy work on Sunday.) This evening some of the energy was back again. I sent Shamballa to two persons. After that was finished I got the shivers again and I felt a strange pressure in my head. Who’s there? ‘Michael’. I couldn’t believe it but I asked two personal questions anyway and got basic answers. I can’t remember them anymore now… It’s a bit strange how fast I forgot those answers, like a dream that fades from memory really fast. I wish I had started the recorder app on my phone beforehand. I’m a bit skeptical about having channeled or having made up those answers myself but I guess that’s the process of building confidence. I’ll just keep practicing.
I finished the meditation with a Violet Flame, hadn’t done that one in a while. Felt good too.