Where to begin, so much going on and at the same time nothing is going on.

The daily experience here has been fluctuating violently these past weeks. I can feel super depressed, be disappointed in life , looking forward to it ending (that’s not the same as being suicidal) and 10 minutes later feel a wave of subtle joy that causes me to sing out loud. I had to get used to this. In the beginning I would suppress such waves because I thought it is odd and I didn’t know where it was coming from. Now I just accept the mood swings, just letting them be. I try the same with the depressed moods, try to let them be and stay aware that they are just temporary arisings but sometimes they’re just too strong for that and I have to ride them out.

I’m still thinking that this depressed/disappointed mood comes from a slow but steadily growing insight that there is no Dennis. I’m sure the social isolation that’s present around us now also plays a role, but that’s different. Dennis has some deep desires that have been reigning this life for a few years now and letting these desires just be without worrying about fulfilling them leaves a void that I don’t know yet what to do with. Desires are related to control because they give direction to our actions. Letting go of desires equals letting go of the illusion of control. I guess I’ll just let that be void be, just liked everything else.

The feeling that there is no Dennis manifests in different ways in different scenarios. When I’m at home it is more difficult to stay awake and observe the reactive patterns because they are so deeply entrenched after living here for 21 years with the same people. When I ride my bicycle to work it’s easier; I can look down at the arms and legs and see that they are making complex movements but I’m not doing it. Also thoughts are easier to observe on the bike. I’m typing this text while observing my hands’ movement, looking thought the body instead of an the body. When I get to work I have to focus at that so usually there is less conscious awareness. When I’m proven wrong in a discussion ( which happens frequently…) I’m aware of the ego response but I don’t express it.

Overall speaking I see a slow trend of increasing conscious awareness, where I am aware of the presence and content of thought, the body and its activity and sensations, and emotions.

Somehow I feel that this darkness is something I just have to go through, like growing pains.

I try to find positive things in life, like the fact that I and my family are healthy and we still have our jobs.

Signing off now, bedtime…

Be well 🌸


Well , I don’t think I ever went this long without posting anything…
I just didn’t feel like posting anything and even thought about taking the site offline. Yet here I am typing again.
This is in line with a process that I notice is going on here. I’m getting more and more disappointed in Life it seems. I see all these desires that I thought would make my life better if they were fulfilled. Lately however I’m finding out that these desires will not make my life better. The fantasies in the mind are always perfect so when the fantasy is realized the actual experience is always disappointing. I’ve been letting go of a lot of desires and this was no big deal , but I’m slowly starting to let go of the big ones and this creates an empty feeling that I don’t know how to fill – if that’s needed.
I had hoped that by letting go of the Dennis identity by means of dismantling desires, a certain peace would come in it’s place but as of now that is not the case. Instead, a feeling of disappointment and pointlessness has arisen. The general charactization of Life as I see it now is that it’s ‘disappointless’. I kinda like that term 🙂. I’m not sure though that this is necessarily a bad development. It’s not pleasant – that’s for sure but I’ve heard before that when the false identity drops away , a period of grief can set in and also a feeling of ‘what now?’ so I guess disappointlessness falls in that category.

During the day I try to ‘look through the body, not as the body’ as much as I can and the meditations I do are mostly ‘just Be’ sessions where I go sit with the sole intention of staying aware of what arises in consciousness, allowing everything.
Also sometimes, when I feel overwhelmed by tension and unrest , I go sit and start by bringing full awareness to the body experience. When that’s somewhat established I state the intention to let any thought,feeling,emotion or sensation go through my system without resistance, welcoming and accepting anything. I view myself as an open conduit through which things can pass without obstruction. This usually helps a great deal, but I also notice that as soon as I stop, the unrest starts to build again.
Recently I read a text somewhere where it was stated that this excercise is critical in this time, as the world is in so much turmoil that we don’t just feel our own unrest , but also the collective unrest. Maybe that’s true, because sometimes a wave of anxiety\unrest can arise here and I have no idea where it came from. usually when I notice these feelings I can see the thought stream that caused them but sometimes they seem to come from nowhere.

Letting go of desires feels very disruptive. Desires are the drive behind many of our actions because we think that fulfilling these desires will mak eus happy , so letting them go is also letting go of the wish\hope to be happy. It’s about accepting What Is , as it is. I have to keep in mind that these desires are just arising , and actions\decisions are just happening. Nobody is doing them! This feeling of general disappointlessness can be observed as ‘not mine’ , but that’s the hard part.
I just hope that all this turns out to be worth it in the long run , but that too is Dennis talking.

There’s more to be said here but I’m done typing.
I wish you well 🌸


It’s been a while since I’ve posted. It’s funny, but I really had no interest in posting anything until today. I seem to be in sync with others. This post is me ‘thinking out loud’ so it will be chaotic.

So the last period has been dark. Negativity and depression. I don’t like reporting that because it seems that expressing it further reinforces the feeling. Especially somewhere last week I had a day that may be characterized as a mini ‘dark night’. It took a great deal of effort not to walk out on this life. Just leave everything behind and never look back. I couldn’t find anything positive in my experience. Rationally I knew that I am healthy, have stable relationships, a good job, a nice home and people around me that love me, I just didn’t *feel* it and didn’t care about any of it anymore. But I’ve learned that these states come and go so I managed to trust that and wait it out without doing anything stupid. It still was very difficult.

The circumstances don’t help of course. We are in lockdown in the Netherlands and it has just been extended with at least 3 weeks, which means I don’t get to see some people for a long time. Maybe that disappointment was the trigger for the dark night, I’m not sure. But right now I’m feeling a tad better. I’m constantly investigating myself, trying to view this life’s experiences from the viewpoint of the pure awakeness that I really am. 99% of the time this is difficult and if I don’t feel it I try to fake it. I try to look at what the arms are doing, looking for a ‘decider’ who determine what the arms do. Trying to look through the body instead of as the body. Trying to keep in mind that Dennis is a mental construct, that this body is empty and does not contain me. Instead, I contain the body.

As of yesterday, it has become a bit easier to take the viewpoint of awakeness, don’t know why. Maybe it’s the Jim Newman video I watched yesterday. It probably is a temporary state again.

It seems there is a cycle; I go down into negativity and suffering and if I bear that for a while and crawl out of it, a little ‘progress’ is made and awakened comes more to the foreground, less closed by ‘ Dennis’. Then the next dip comes. Since there is no control over that (or anything else for a matter of fact) I’ll just have to live with it, trying not to resist it. But the resistance is also not under my control.

I , Awakeness, am just observing.

In a few minutes I’ll have another session with Fred Davis. This always causes anxiety. I want to report progress of course, but that’s not how it works. We’ll see. Maybe I’ll report about it.

For now, much love and stay safe 🌸


A while ago I posted that my daily routine is a Microcosmic Orbit, a light meditation and a higher self meditation. This scheme lasted a week or so before it fell apart, but that’s okay because I more and more let things go as they do. I still do these meditations when I feel like it. I don’t have to manage what Dennis is doing and I have no control anyway so this is much easier. I notice more and more that I see myself making plans and then decide to let it go. For example I might think in the evening that next morning I’m going to get up early, meditate and work out. But then I let that go and decide to just wait and see what will happen tomorrow morning. In practice I see that sometimes meditation and working out doesn’t happen when I planned it, and  it does when I didn’t. I see more and more examples of this and it leads me to not think about decisions, they will happen when needed. Of course there is still a lot of thinking going on here but this is just an interesting development I noticed.

Another development is that I have been listening to a mantra a lot lately. I listen whenever I can and sing along with it if I can, too. Singing has a healing quality to it, it opens me up which is nice because I’m a very closed person. Many times I feel softer now while circumstances haven’t changed.I also noticed I give less and less importance to my history, it doesn’t define me. The same goes for my opinions and positions. I even give less importance to the world, in a way. I just let it do it’s crazy thing (and I know crazy is a judgement, but that’s okay). This doesn’t mean that I don’t do my best to be a ‘good person’ , but I’m just not that heavy about it.

The process of not thinking about things more than necessary is also going forward. The need to understand is strong , but I notice that whether I understand something or not doesn’t really make a difference to my experience.

Desires are strong as always but I’m working on letting them be , just like anything else. This is particularly hard; desires are at the root of ego but I notice that it’s possible to observe desires like any other emotion and decide to do nothing with it. I say it’s hard but that doesn’t mean it involves effort, the only hard part is to not go into the magnetic thought streams that desires tend to produce to amplify themselves , so actually it is only observing which is effortless.

So there is a lot going on, but it’s slow and with ups and downs. This week is an up week , feeling relatively positive and energetic while the weeks before were predominantly down.
Everything is passing so no use in clinging to anything.

be well! 🌸🙏


I’ve been doing a daily microcosmic orbit (MCO) again for about two weeks now. The first week I noticed strong mood swings, mostly in the form of negative feelings. The capacity to remain in the observer position was diminished. Then, last Friday I started feeling ill. It is very rare for me to get ill to the degree that I consider calling in sick at work. So I took rest since it was the weekend anyway plus I had to wait at home for the result of the corona test (which came back negative). I paused my MCO’s for the time being. On Sunday there was a noticeable shift and I started getting my energy back. Starting Monday I was fully recovered and back doing MCO again. Also I gave a healing to a family member the same day in the evening followed by a remote healing which worked nicely. I don’t know if it was the MCO that caused the mood swings and sickness but I knew this could happen so I was alert. Another possible cause is the full moon last weekend which also causes upheaval each time as I notice that with myself and the people around me.

In general though, the capacity to ‘step out of’ the Dennis story seems to be slowly getting stronger. The funny thing is that this doesn’t necessarily mean I’m becoming a more pleasant or skilful person. The behavioural patterns remain, I’m just slightly less integrated or identified with them . This is a lot different than what I expected how this would develop. I expected a degree of happiness and bliss to arise. That’s possible and might still come, but for me it seems to be more of a neutrality (not to be confused with indifference). Longing for that bliss or happiness only puts my mind’s focus on the future which is not what I want. First I’ll learn to Be with What Is here and now, not trying to make it special. Just What Is , as it is.


I haven’t been posting a lot lately and I thought I’d post an update.

Shamballa & Non-duality

Ever since I shifted my focus to non-duality by entering Fred Davis’ student program I have been struggling how to reconcile the concepts of non-duality with those of ascended masters, spirits, angels, souls, energywork etcetera. How can there be ‘higher consciousness’ or ‘other consciousness’ when there is only one consciousness and I’m it? It is enough to drive the mind crazy. Since non-duality is riddled with paradoxes, I am trying to stop attempts to understand this. It is just more thought and doesn’t help. That actually makes sense when I consider that everything we can perceive is an arising within the infinite field of consciousness, so the brain and its ‘intelligence’ are arisings within this field. How could the brain (the part) ever comprehend the Oneness (the whole)? This matches what was felt after the glimpse of non-duality that was experienced here. It’s a place that is not reached by thinking or intellectual understanding or philosophy. It is a Knowing that comes from Being.
That Knowing has not been present since and at first I wanted to get back there but I learned there is no getting back because it was a peak experience that one should not try to regain. Besides, it is ego that wants it back. It is the everyday ordinary consciousness\awareness that matters and it’s the ordinary everyday Now that is the magic moment to be aware of. There is only one consciousness and only this moment, the eternal Now. This moment is what it is and it is experienced the way it is, so anything other than full acceptance of this moment is going to cause suffering. It means being happy and enjoying that but not being attached to that feeling as it is transient. It means being okay with not being okay. It means accepting that there is anger or fear or sadness because it is not mine – I’m only watching it. If awareness is cloudy and absorbed in Ego then that is What Is. I am the awareness that is observing, awareness is not touched by any of this, and any experience is as valid as any other is.

Enough rambling about that now. I only got to talking about non-duality because I wanted to explain that it influences the way I participate in Shamballa. At first non-duality and Shamballa seemed mutually exclusive but that conclusion is only the result of limited thinking. When I give or receive a healing I try to stay aware of the fact that there are no individuals, there is only consciousness so that means that the thought world is irrelevant. I used to make plans before a healing because I feared that without a plan or goals it wasn’t going to work. In addition, I set standards to how I should feel; I should be relaxed and confident and feel the energy. None of that is true. I now go into each session from the viewpoint of the single consciousness; I’m oneness healing myself. Whether I’m actually experiencing Oneness or not (spoiler: I’m not) is not important. Pretending to be Oneness is okay as its closer to the truth than believing there is a Dennis. I’m healing myself by healing another. Wanting to understand what is happening or how it works is the desire of the ego and can be ignored. This takes away a lot of pressure and enables me to participate in a session without standards or expectations; whatever happens is exactly right and what the ego thinks of it is irrelevant.

That brings me to the last Shamballa group session I attended which is now two weeks ago. The cards I draw at these evening have been about the same theme the last three months; about me needing to liberate myself from something that is holding me back; that I have the strength to overcome it. As always, these cards give global guidance but also raise many questions. Well, life is a game…so whatever. The healing session was nice. I ended up in a private room with a woman I had only seen once before and we never shared a session. She laid down first and I started ‘my work’, thinking about how she is me and I am her and that in fact it is all one energy. I alternated between standing at her head and at her feet. At some point I was holding her feet to earth her and I ‘saw’ (before my mind’s eye) two white angels descending, one on each side of her. They started to work on her heart area. I couldn’t see what they were doing but I felt that I had to keep grounding her in order to keep things stable so they could finish their work. I lost track of what happened and when I continued ‘I’ worked on her heart centre some more, only to seal off what was done. When I told her afterwards what I thought I had seen she was pleasantly surprised and explained to me that she had been told she had a blockage in her heart centre that needed work. After the session, I spontaneously offered her a healing at my home, which I don’t usually offer. She did indeed contact me a week later and we made an appointment. I like giving a healing at my home because I feel there is no time limit and I’m more at ease. I gave her a healing using meditative music, intuitively placing crystals on her chakras and using shamballa. Again, I ‘saw’ some things (that I have forgotten by now) but we didn’t really discuss our individual experience of that session in detail, which is okay. Only the ego wants to know what it has done happened. I do know that the session lasted about 40 minutes and she was deeply relaxed, which is good enough for meJ.
We talked quite a bit afterwards and she left. It was a fun encounter and I hope it was to her benefit.

Daily experience

So in daily life I try to pretend I’m oneness because, as I said before, it is closer to the truth than believing I’m a Dennis. There are only behavioural patterns here that automatically respond to stimuli and there is experience of senses but no one is the owner of all that – it’s all wrongly attributed to a Dennis. Of course, this is difficult to maintain when I’m engaged with work or other duties, but there is a slow shift going on where ‘I’ find the story of Dennis less and less important. The key is to value direct experience over thinking. Direct experience is the experience you have before words or judgements are applied by the mind, before you have an opinion about What Is. We value our judgment of What Is over the actual experience, which causes suffering. The personal story is only made up of thought and thought is fantasy we are hard-wired to believe. So this is the process I’m in ; trying to ‘catch’ when I’m believing thoughts that cause suffering.
Sometimes I succeed and  many times not, but when I do catch a thought and see it as the fantasy it is and notice the emotion it caused flow away then he knowing that thoughts are not reality is reinforced.
Also I observe what the body is doing and find the one who controls that, which is no-one.

The satsangs and sessions with Fred Davis are helpful but it’s going to be for the long haul and that’s okay.

My daily schedule now includes three meditations which each take about 20 minutes:

-A self-recorded Light meditation that originates from this book

-A higher Self meditation that was suggested to me and I’ve grown to like

-A Microcosmic Orbit because it feels good and it supports my semen retention practice because I use the PC muscle on the out breath.

That’s it for now. I wish you well.


Last night was Shamballa night where we come together in a group and practice energy healing. It’s an event that always fills me with anxiety and insecurity before and a sense of fullfillment after. This time the dominating feeling before was disappointment and I considered skipping, but I went anyway. I’m glad I did. Lately it’s very difficult for me to find anything positive in life but being there in that group felt very good and this was very welcome.
We always draw some cards and this time I got this one:

This hit home for me… and by the way this is the card I got the month before…

What a `coincidence`… now all I have to do is figure out which battle they`re referring to because I have several 🙄.

Following that we did a group healing. It was about a construction site where the workers were getting ill for no apparent reason. We focused on it as a group and I saw myself descending a very old stone stairway into a dark cellar which was filled with a black oily fluid. There was no fear and I went into the fluid until I was completely submerged. I figured I`d just radiate white light to penetrate it and when I did the fluid slowly went away. Then a small girl in a dress appeared gesturing I should stop, the fluid was holding something captive and she was guarding that – or that was the feeling it gave me because there was no speech happening. So I stopped and the next thing I saw was a pillar of light coming down on the construction site, penetrating that basement. I saw one or more silhouettes going up through the pillar. After that there was a beautiful bed of flowers.
So after this session we always share our experience but I thought this was so bizarre I`m not going to share. Too much Harry Potter-stuff I thought to myself. When the other participants started to share I was amazed. Two or three other people had seen a vortex of black liquid stuff and a pillar of light. Also the flowers were a theme. So I shared my story as well. The similarities were striking and we were all in awe. This has happened many times before but I`m never going to get used to that I think. I hope that whatever was trapped at that construction site is now free and the people are safe.

So next thing were the healing sessions, one on one. We could use beds again which was nice because I prefer that over a chair or lying on the floor.

I started doing the healing but first I put on some earbuds with meditative music. This is something I decided to try to improve my focus and it worked nicely.
Energy felt strong right from the start which surprised me because these past few months it seemed all energy had gone from me. So I flooded the woman on the table with energy from the head down and it felt very lively. After some time I went to her feet for grounding. Then some brain-balancing and finally I flooded her with unconditional love. I must say that nowadays I try to incorporate non-duality into my healings by realizing that there is only one consciousness and that the person on the table is an expression of that consciousness as am I, but there are no real individuals. So I’m healing myself (and I’m not even doing that, get it 😉).
Afterwards she reported it felt good but intense and at some point she felt she was going to get a headache from the energy but at that exact time I moved to her feet for grounding and she could feel the excess energy flowing away. Cool, ay?

Be well and make use of What Is. 🌺


Well, things have been intense last month as it seems to be for everyone. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a period with so much upheaval at some many levels at this scale. Makes you wonder where all this is going. Last month was challenging, lots of ups and down but what I noticed is that the downs seems to be getting deeper and the ups not as high. I had a number of significant dips last month where I got this feeling of despair, like this life is leading nowhere but I don’t even know where it should lead – I only know I’d like to be calm and happy but how? Non-duality is a key here but that ‘concept’ is so simple it becomes complicated.
There is no Dennis. Full stop.
So what does that mean? Thought arise but they are not mine. I am the one that is aware of thought. The same goes for emotions, sensations, anything that is an observable object in awareness. Because I AM that awareness.
How does one navigate one’s day with this? Even having briefly seen that non-duality is a higher truth, it doesn’t help me because that Knowing is not present here now and I know it so it frustrates me. That way pursuing non-duality is actually adding to the suffering instead of helping.
Meditations are nice – they can be a great break from the turmoil in the head but this is just a break, when I get up the suffering returns because thoughts come back and I still identify with them. As Fred Davis has said: “Meditation is nice when it happens, but I notice that afterwards I’m still in my living room” meaning nothing has changed. As a result I’m meditating less now.
So I notice a steady rising of difficult mind stuff like unrest, doubt, fear, frustration, impatience, anger and the likes. Many times I can handle it by observing it or even using it for inquiry (can I find the owner of that thought or emotion?) but sometimes it makes me lose my temper and I do or say stuff I later consider unskillful.
So I feel uneasily adrift, not knowing where I’m going or where this world is going or what I should do, while knowing that it all ultimately doesn’t matter and I should just observe life and this unit’s actions unfold before me because whatever happens in this life – it can’t touch Me because I am the infinite consciousness dreaming this world.

To all Fellow Travellers out there: stay strong and may you be well 🌸


What am I doing all this for? It’s bringing me nothing. Am I doing it right? Why can’t I just be happy? Why does it all have to be so complicated? What do I want in this life? I’m never going to ‘get it’. Lethargy. Depression. Playing ‘all is okay’. What is the POINT of all this? Feeling a hole that cannot be filled.
Etcetera etcetera.
These were the dominating moods the past weeks, and they still are. I don’t know what’s ‘in the air’ but it seems that other people are struggling too.

I’m oscillating between being consumed by these thoughts\emotions and the strong suspicion that true happiness does not depend on external factors – it is found within.

So I’m trying to get out of that and for that I need energy. Yesterday I searched Netflix for something spiritual and it returned Goop Acedemy, a docuseries. The second episode was about Wim Hof and how he uses cold to energize himself. This made me remember my old habit of taking cold showers that I did for a while and then I stopped doing that again. This morning I decided to re-try that and after cycling to work I did some deep breathing and stepped straight into the cold shower. The trick is to maintain deep breaths because the body wants to cramp up and gasp. I took my deep breaths and after about 10-15 seconds my body started to adjust and it was not so challenging anymore. After 30 seconds the water wasn’t uncomfortable anymore and I was able to go on and wash my bdy and hair. It didn’t matter anymore. Amazing how body\mind can adapt.

Growth vs. suffering

Someone told me recently that I seemed different and had grown in a spiritual sense. It got me thinking a bit.

For starters, it’s a comparison. A comparison of past to present , but also of self to other. I don’t remember which sage said it, but the saying was that ‘All suffering starts with comparison’. This is because in essence we are all One, and in One there can be no comparing. Once we believe the illusion of duality there are the two things , then the 10.000 things and the comparing begins accompanied by suffering.
But that notion doesn’t help much unless you’re enlightened – which I’m not.

On a more practical note :I notice we are often blind to our own growth because as we grow, life seems to present us with challenges to apply what we’ve learned hence the suffering doesn’t seem to deminish. So in my experience not much has changed, I certainly don’t feel any happier than say, a year ago.