Where to begin, so much going on and at the same time nothing is going on.
The daily experience here has been fluctuating violently these past weeks. I can feel super depressed, be disappointed in life , looking forward to it ending (that’s not the same as being suicidal) and 10 minutes later feel a wave of subtle joy that causes me to sing out loud. I had to get used to this. In the beginning I would suppress such waves because I thought it is odd and I didn’t know where it was coming from. Now I just accept the mood swings, just letting them be. I try the same with the depressed moods, try to let them be and stay aware that they are just temporary arisings but sometimes they’re just too strong for that and I have to ride them out.
I’m still thinking that this depressed/disappointed mood comes from a slow but steadily growing insight that there is no Dennis. I’m sure the social isolation that’s present around us now also plays a role, but that’s different. Dennis has some deep desires that have been reigning this life for a few years now and letting these desires just be without worrying about fulfilling them leaves a void that I don’t know yet what to do with. Desires are related to control because they give direction to our actions. Letting go of desires equals letting go of the illusion of control. I guess I’ll just let that be void be, just liked everything else.
The feeling that there is no Dennis manifests in different ways in different scenarios. When I’m at home it is more difficult to stay awake and observe the reactive patterns because they are so deeply entrenched after living here for 21 years with the same people. When I ride my bicycle to work it’s easier; I can look down at the arms and legs and see that they are making complex movements but I’m not doing it. Also thoughts are easier to observe on the bike. I’m typing this text while observing my hands’ movement, looking thought the body instead of an the body. When I get to work I have to focus at that so usually there is less conscious awareness. When I’m proven wrong in a discussion ( which happens frequently…) I’m aware of the ego response but I don’t express it.
Overall speaking I see a slow trend of increasing conscious awareness, where I am aware of the presence and content of thought, the body and its activity and sensations, and emotions.
Somehow I feel that this darkness is something I just have to go through, like growing pains.
I try to find positive things in life, like the fact that I and my family are healthy and we still have our jobs.
Signing off now, bedtime…
Be well 🌸