Mood-o-meter

The past weeks have been a period of ups and downs but I’ve been learning a great deal. The past few days in particular were a bit dark; a period in which self-esteem was even lower than usual, my rationality was strong thereby undermining my faith in the spiritual world. A certain pessimism is the result of that which makes me question why I bother making all this effort, confronting myself with my fears and all. But it’s not the first time this happens and I’ve learned that ‘this too will pass’. This doesn’t mean it’s easy in any way, but I just try to ride it out because I know it’ll go away. Seems like I’m crawling out of that again at the moment.

Last Monday I had a big presentation at work. Doing a presentation is something that is a phobia for me; it can trigger a full panic in me. I intended to deal with that fear once and for all so I signed up for a presentation at the next departmental meeting at work. I was in a position where I could dodge that presentation or choose to do it. Being a Warrior it’s not easy for me to avoid a challenge but I did just that. I couldn’t do it and I decided to build this skill gradually instead of exposing myself before a large audience, potentially aggravating the fear by doing so. So instead I’ll probably go and follow a course ‘how to present’ or something like that. I’ve been working on fears in many other occasions, but this one was a bit too much, for now.

Evening meditation

The Ziemia ceremony last Saturday completely drained me of energy somehow, I was a wreck the whole Sunday. I played couch potato all day until the evening when I had to get somewhat active since the wife had an evening shift at work and well, we have to eat. As of today I seem to be recovering. I don’t know if I did something wrong energy-wise on Saturday but I’ve heard the same reports from my colleague healers. It was indeed very demanding in terms of energy. Anyhow, I had to move my shamballa night tonight to next Thursday. It was a tough call but I’m glad I did it, I wouldn’t have been at ease otherwise. Also that means I had time for a decent meditation tonight. I started out listening to a beautiful Alchemy crystal singing bowls recording and followed that up with a Light meditation which felt good and effective. It was about time.

Lesson learned

There are a few things I can share about the Ziemia ceremony that I helped facilitate last saturday, which I will do over the coming period as time allows.

First of all I learned (again) that sometimes things are very much NOT what they seem…
In the weeks leading up to the ceremony I grew more and more anxious because I was insecure about what I could contribute. The other participants all had visible, concrete skills in my eyes and I didn’t. I only have my healing of which I still am not confident in spite of all the positive feedback I received in the past. (In hindsight there also was a huge fear to be judged by people at that ceremony). It was not until 1 or 2 days before the ceremony that the anxiety subsided somewhat and I was looking forward to it again. So this is the mindset that I entered the ceremony with. I placed my seiza bench at the edge of the room so I had a place to sit when I did not have a task. Also, I kept a copy of the programme there so I could take a peek at it on the go, because I was too nervous to memorize it. The ceremony was opened by the organizer after which there was a 20-minute sound healing using crystal singing bowls. This was one of two occasions where the three present healers could wander through the room and give healing energy to the people attending. As I was seated at the edge of the room, it was logical I would start with the couple that was lying directly in front of me. As the sound healing started I noticed I was very anxious again, feeling scared and insecure. I looked at the couple and I couldn’t get myself to give them a healing, which includes touching for me because I always do that by placing my hands behind the ears. I was afraid of the reaction of the man and didn’t dare touch him. His partner was lying besides him, very obviously pregnant. This raised questions with me too, because I would like to put my hand on her belly for a healing but this is an action that is either highly appreciated or deemed inappropriate depending on the level of trust of the person. So I didn’t dare heal her as well.


I interpreted the resistance I felt as my own fear and insecurity.


Because I only had 20 minutes I decided to skip the couple and go into the room. I kneeled down behind the first person and gently put my hands behind the ears. The person did not open the eyes and was not disturbed by it, so my worry of that was unjustified in this case. I still was very tense though so the healing was messy in my head and didn’t feel very effective to me. Also I was kneeled which was painful for my toes so that was distracting. I continued to the next person and sat crosslegged behind her. When I put my hands around the back of her head, she didn’t react in any way so that was good. I noticed how different she felt compared to the previous person, but couldn’t describe that difference. It was like a heaviness. I gave her some violet flame energy and continued to the next person. She saw me coming and we exchanged a slight smile. I sat crosslegged behind her and again put my hands behind her ears. This person too felt different , a lot lighter that the previous one. This was interesting because this is the first time I’m treating strangers in a rapid succession and I was surprised that I felt these differences even though I was far from relaxed. The next person was a balled man with biker-like clothes. As I sat behind him I immediately thought of Archangel Raphael so I sent green healing energy into his body. Perhaps there was some physical malady present there but I wasn’t keen enough to think of asking for guidance what that was.


At a later stage in the ceremony there was a second timeframe where the healers could wander the room.

I decided to go back to the couple and try to give them a healing again. I sat down behind the man but I couldn’t get myself to begin. I was afraid of his reaction. The same with his pregnant wife. I decided to try and give him a healing without touching him but even that wouldn’t work. Eventually I just decided to skip them alltogether, letting go of the idea that everyone in the room must get a healing.

Why am I sharing this? Because I interpreted the resistance I felt with that couple as my own fear and insecurity. This was not the case however. One of the other healers did actually approach the couple to give them a healing and it ended up being a nasty discussion. The man wasn’t interested and rejected all good intentions. Probably the ceremony was not what he expected of it and maybe he regretted coming. The man’s behavior was quite unpleasant. When I heard about this after the ceremony I realized that the resistance I had felt was not coming from my fear or anxiety, but from them. It appears I was actually following my intuition without realizing it. It’s a shame that it kind of put a shadow over the entire evening for me because I didn’t realize this until afterwards. It’s a very valuable lesson – for the other healer too, because she realized she had the same intuition about the couple but approached them anyway because she felt everyone should get a healing – which is the limited brain talking.

So the big lesson here was to trust my feelings more. I need to pay more attention to them. That being said , discerning where the feelings are coming from – someone else or me – is something I have to learn.

Evening meditation

Tonight was an unusual meditation. I started with a Light meditation which was fine and I noticed that the meditation was deeper and more stable than usual. It’s not that mind didn’t wander or so but there was a slight gap between the experience of thoughts and sensations and the one who is aware of it. So mind was wandering but I was aware of it and it didn’t matter. Also lots of physical sensations came by that didn’t bother me. At some point the phrase “I am a being of Violet fire, I am the purity God desires” popped into my mind and I saw myself engulfed in Violet fire. Waves of subtle tingles kept washing over my body as I kept repeating the mantra in my mind. This continued for 15-30 minutes. When I spoke the mantra out loud a few times the sensations became even stronger and then dissipated for the most part. The gap between the experience and awareness remained and I effortlessly remained seated for the rest of the session enjoying this state. When I reluctantly finished to go to bed the timer was at 01:01:01.

My anxiety for the healing ceremony tomorrow is gone, looking forward to it.

Who am I?

This morning, as I was doing my morning meditation, my mind started thinking about the nature of consciousness and the thought stream was interesting enough to just let it happen.

I’m not as focused on the subject of non duality lately but still I always wonder who I am. As I was flooding my body with white Light I thought ‘ who is doing the flooding, is it really me because I am my higher self? Then, am I flooding myself? Who is noticing that?’ I already know (rationally) who I am, I am the simple awareness that is aware of everyday impressions. The simple attention that is conscious of thoughts, senses, emotions. If my thumb hurts and I’m aware of feeling the pain, I’m as awake as I’m ever going to get, so it’s not a matter of reaching a different level of awakeness. The problem is identification. I’m identifying with the thoughts, senses and emotions. But with what should I identify and how does that fit in the picture of a small self and a higher self? Am I my higher self? This doesn’t fit. So this morning a picture presented itself in my head that was better: I’m an individuated aspect of the Higher Self and it’s purpose is to experience the physical plane by being aware of thoughts, senses and emotions and to this end it is intimately connected to a physical body. The problem is that that individuated consciousness is identifying with what is being noticed, instead of knowing itself as the Observer.

In this model all the principles of non-duality and higher self seem to fit. By the way, this is also how the Seth entity describes our nature, but I took some time understanding that 😉.

Evening meditation

Today was a day full of doubt and fear again. I think the fear is draining all the energy, causing a dark mood as a result. It’s not that I’m constantly in a panic but there is a clear fear that is constantly in my consciousness, wearing me out. So tonight I did a guided meditation that uses EFT to address fear. I liked it and it seems to help. Feeling better afterwards not only in terms of anxiety but also some of my energy returned and the mood is noticeably less pessimistic. I followed it up with a Light meditation and although it didn’t feel as strong as it usually does, it felt a lot better that the ones in the last week. Practicing channeling is still out of the question in this state however. Besides, the last time I tried that I channelled information for myself that proved inaccurate so I’m also losing confidence in that area. All part of the game though, not going to stop…

Fear & EFT

I’m still dealing with a lot of fear from different sources and it seems it all can be traced back to a central fear of being ‘not good enough’. I’m afraid of the upcoming healing ceremony because I might fail or disappoint myself. The feeling of being unworthy or ‘ not good enough’ is very strong lately. At first I was thrilled and happy to be invited to participate in that ceremony but now there is mostly fear and that fear blocks my energy and my confidence so I feel weak, further strengthening the feeling of inadequacy. This also caused the anger in my previous post. However, withdrawing from that ceremony is not an option for me; that would be real failure in my eyes. I have to learn to let go and trust that it’ll work out.

I started practicing EFT (emotional freedom techniques) , also called ‘tapping’, to address this fear.

The basics are easy to learn and application takes only a few minutes per day. It’s based on restoring energy flow through meridians, thereby releasing blocking emotions or beliefs. I’ve done a few sessions so far and it seems I feel instantly more relaxed but this is only temporary, the fear is getting stronger during the day. But, as with many therapies it may get worse before it gets better so I’m keeping this up.

Angry (sorry)

This evening I tried a meditation by Penney Pierce called “track daily vibrations” but I quit after 10 minutes or so. This person is very advanced but I just can’t work with her material. I don’t know what it is but it frustrates me, I’m angry right now. Everytime I read something in her book “Frequency” or listen to one of her exercises I just can’t keep up with her. She’s asking all kinds of questions that I can’t answer and it makes me feel totally incompetent. Like the meditation I mentioned; “Note your physical vibration. Note your mental vibration. Now do this and that. Do your feel the difference?” NO I DON’T. After 10 minutes of questions like that it feels completely pointless to do these exercises and I feel down because I just don’t feel it. I can’t answer a single question. I’m already insecure about what I do and this doesn’t help. Again, she seems very advanced but I just think her material is not for me. I’m sure it’s very helpful for others. I know I shouldn’t get so frustrated over this but I’m already fighting to stay positive and this makes it harder. I’ll probably delete this post again soon, we’ll see.

Edit in the morning:

When I woke up I felt fine. Then I noticed my mind going back to yesterday evening and remembering my mood. I could feel the darkness returning but I stopped it by focusing on something positive. I’m not going back there.

Even though I’m not proud of the above I see that I’ve learned. I’ve had these kinds of episodes before and they can get very black. That didn’t happen this time because part of me recognized it and I kept some awareness of breath in the process, so I wasn’t completely absorbed in the negative thoughts.

I think this was caused by a rehearsal yesterday for a healing ceremony I will participate in next weekend. I found myself surrounded by people who, in my mind’s perception, I am inferior to and this caused me to feel fearful and inadequate. I know that’s bullshit and it’s just me being put to the test, an opportunity to free myself. We’ll see how this develops.

Love

I find myself wondering about love (between partners) again. Lately I’m haunted by desires that I thought I had ‘overcome’ or was in the process of overcoming but now they seem to be back in full force. Apparently I haven’t learned my lesson yet? Confusion arises when thinking about love between two persons and how that relates to unconditional love.
It’s funny how I ‘run into’ relevant material about that topic now that these questions linger in my mind. In the Seth book I’m listening to a chapter about the functions of the brain and how chemicals influence our experience. Additionally, I came across this article on CNN about the very same subject. So when thinking further about it I realized there are some major differences between interpersonal love and unconditional love:

(note: I’m not implying to speak the Truth below, it is only how I view things at this time.)

Interpersonal love can be the basis for a relationship but unconditional love cannot because unconditional love is impersonal, does not judge and applies to all of experience indiscriminately. It will not lead to a choice to commit to a specific relationship. Furthermore, interpersonal love is not unconditional because the relationship will only survive as long as it works for both persons. (Note that ‘works’ can mean different things; a person who keeps an abusive partner to unconsciously punish onseself due to childhood imprinting may seem to be in a bad relationship when viewed from the outside, but the person in question still ‘thinks’ the relationship works.So a ‘working’ relationship does not necessarily look good from the outside.) As soon as one of the partners starts to show behaviour that is unacceptable to the other, the relationship will end.

What the Seth material and the CNN article also made me realize is that interpersonal love includes the desire to mate (sexually), which clearly is not the case with unconditional love.

So if a desire to be in a relationship with someone includes the desire to mate, I’m assuming that I’m a slave to brain chemistry and although it feels hard to ignore or dismiss, is ultimately of no importance when looking at the bigger picture.

Also this tells me that I should not compare unconditional love to interpersonal love, nor should I judge myself for not feeling unconditional love for my partner. That’s unrealistic and not how it works. I think best case one can have a good loving relationship with a person and – at the same time – feel unconditional love for All That Is, which of course includes the partner.

It also means that the relationship can be ended if it doesn’t work anymore, while still feeling unconditional love because feeling unconditional love does not infer one should stay in a relationship that is harmful.