It’s been a while since I’ve posted. It’s funny, but I really had no interest in posting anything until today. I seem to be in sync with others. This post is me ‘thinking out loud’ so it will be chaotic.
So the last period has been dark. Negativity and depression. I don’t like reporting that because it seems that expressing it further reinforces the feeling. Especially somewhere last week I had a day that may be characterized as a mini ‘dark night’. It took a great deal of effort not to walk out on this life. Just leave everything behind and never look back. I couldn’t find anything positive in my experience. Rationally I knew that I am healthy, have stable relationships, a good job, a nice home and people around me that love me, I just didn’t *feel* it and didn’t care about any of it anymore. But I’ve learned that these states come and go so I managed to trust that and wait it out without doing anything stupid. It still was very difficult.
The circumstances don’t help of course. We are in lockdown in the Netherlands and it has just been extended with at least 3 weeks, which means I don’t get to see some people for a long time. Maybe that disappointment was the trigger for the dark night, I’m not sure. But right now I’m feeling a tad better. I’m constantly investigating myself, trying to view this life’s experiences from the viewpoint of the pure awakeness that I really am. 99% of the time this is difficult and if I don’t feel it I try to fake it. I try to look at what the arms are doing, looking for a ‘decider’ who determine what the arms do. Trying to look through the body instead of as the body. Trying to keep in mind that Dennis is a mental construct, that this body is empty and does not contain me. Instead, I contain the body.
As of yesterday, it has become a bit easier to take the viewpoint of awakeness, don’t know why. Maybe it’s the Jim Newman video I watched yesterday. It probably is a temporary state again.
It seems there is a cycle; I go down into negativity and suffering and if I bear that for a while and crawl out of it, a little ‘progress’ is made and awakened comes more to the foreground, less closed by ‘ Dennis’. Then the next dip comes. Since there is no control over that (or anything else for a matter of fact) I’ll just have to live with it, trying not to resist it. But the resistance is also not under my control.
I , Awakeness, am just observing.
In a few minutes I’ll have another session with Fred Davis. This always causes anxiety. I want to report progress of course, but that’s not how it works. We’ll see. Maybe I’ll report about it.
For now, much love and stay safe 🌸