Well , I don’t think I ever went this long without posting anything…
I just didn’t feel like posting anything and even thought about taking the site offline. Yet here I am typing again.
This is in line with a process that I notice is going on here. I’m getting more and more disappointed in Life it seems. I see all these desires that I thought would make my life better if they were fulfilled. Lately however I’m finding out that these desires will not make my life better. The fantasies in the mind are always perfect so when the fantasy is realized the actual experience is always disappointing. I’ve been letting go of a lot of desires and this was no big deal , but I’m slowly starting to let go of the big ones and this creates an empty feeling that I don’t know how to fill – if that’s needed.
I had hoped that by letting go of the Dennis identity by means of dismantling desires, a certain peace would come in it’s place but as of now that is not the case. Instead, a feeling of disappointment and pointlessness has arisen. The general charactization of Life as I see it now is that it’s ‘disappointless’. I kinda like that term 🙂. I’m not sure though that this is necessarily a bad development. It’s not pleasant – that’s for sure but I’ve heard before that when the false identity drops away , a period of grief can set in and also a feeling of ‘what now?’ so I guess disappointlessness falls in that category.

During the day I try to ‘look through the body, not as the body’ as much as I can and the meditations I do are mostly ‘just Be’ sessions where I go sit with the sole intention of staying aware of what arises in consciousness, allowing everything.
Also sometimes, when I feel overwhelmed by tension and unrest , I go sit and start by bringing full awareness to the body experience. When that’s somewhat established I state the intention to let any thought,feeling,emotion or sensation go through my system without resistance, welcoming and accepting anything. I view myself as an open conduit through which things can pass without obstruction. This usually helps a great deal, but I also notice that as soon as I stop, the unrest starts to build again.
Recently I read a text somewhere where it was stated that this excercise is critical in this time, as the world is in so much turmoil that we don’t just feel our own unrest , but also the collective unrest. Maybe that’s true, because sometimes a wave of anxiety\unrest can arise here and I have no idea where it came from. usually when I notice these feelings I can see the thought stream that caused them but sometimes they seem to come from nowhere.

Letting go of desires feels very disruptive. Desires are the drive behind many of our actions because we think that fulfilling these desires will mak eus happy , so letting them go is also letting go of the wish\hope to be happy. It’s about accepting What Is , as it is. I have to keep in mind that these desires are just arising , and actions\decisions are just happening. Nobody is doing them! This feeling of general disappointlessness can be observed as ‘not mine’ , but that’s the hard part.
I just hope that all this turns out to be worth it in the long run , but that too is Dennis talking.

There’s more to be said here but I’m done typing.
I wish you well 🌸

One thought on “Mood-o-meter”

  1. Dear Dennis,

    Thank you for sharing this. It really helps. Know that you are supported in more ways than you can imagine.

    “Looking through my body instead of as my body.” I will make an effort to do that more often. It seems that I’m lost in ego stuff too much. And yet, this is also a judgement:-)
    For me, I tend to feel sadness, grief. Sometimes I just don’t know where it’s coming from. But it can be overwhelming. I try to ‘research my self’ (in Dutch: zelfonderzoek) and let it flow through me. It’s not always easy. And there always seems to be more sadness.
    Inside myself, in my heart, there is joy. The silent type. I use it as an anchor. Besides this, I make an effort not to believe all my thoughts and look at my desires and expectations. There is still a lot to examine.
    ‘Surrendering to just be’ is advised. A good advise.
    And to speak with a song of Queen: ‘Don’t try so hard.’

    Much love as always. See you in the Full Void (Volle Leegte)
    a fellow traveler

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