Memory

I just woke up and noticed something that I noticed before. After I woke up the first impressions were the feeling of having had a good sleep, the singing birds, the sun on my face, the comfortability of the bed. I felt good. As my mind became active, it remembered that it was being sad yesterday and it goes on to retrieve and reinstate the sad feeling. I made a conscious effort to stop that process and stay in the happy feeling, but there was resistance. Why is that, I asked myself. Why would anyone want to hold on to sadness, especially if you have just seen it is not necessary? I can only guess. It may be habitual. It may be because it is part of the construction of the ego, because memory is arguably the main building block of ego, or small self. (Try it- look around you and let go of any thought or feeling that has to do with the past. Only look at that which is here and now – the senses, the body and whatever is around you. If your mind is empty of memory, of history, you cannot find a problem.)

Another part I noticed of the resistance to letting go of that sadness is that I felt that I was betraying the persons that I felt sad about. Like I have to feel sadness for them and the problem because it validates them. Or I have to feel sad for them because otherwise it would be proof that I don’t care for them. That is so silly of course. How does my mood or opinion or emotion affect the validity or worth of a loved one? It’s just in my head so this person’s reality is not affected and if it were, how could that sadness affect the person in a positive way? He or she would be better off if I were feeling happy about them, regardless of any problem they think they have.

When letting go of this history as I tried this morning, I also noticed some fear. When all this mind content is gone and only the neutral witnessing of thoughts and sensations remains, is this ‘enough’? It seems so empty. Is it possible to be happy that way? I sincerely think so, but I’ll have to try that out.

So my intention is now: use memory for practical use in daily life, but if memory is presenting me with problems that are not present in the physical Here and Now , let it go.

Staying observant of mind content and bodily sensations during the day is key. It is a challenge but doable and well worth it.

If you have anything you would like to share in this context, feel free to leave a comment!

NPMDT (shamballa) night

Yesterday evening I attended a gathering of people who completed the NPMDT (formerly known as Shamballa) course. It is an opportunity to meditate , exchange experiences and practice energy healing on each other. During the evening I did feel general energy sensations but nothing out of the ordinary. However , last night in bed I felt extreme sensations in my body , energy was raging. Waves of heaviness and expansion\contraction moving around in the torso and head with occasional jolting of limbs. I was already lying awake due to a conflict that evening so I hardly got any sleep last night.
Now , in the morning as I write this, there are strong feelings of depression , grief , regret ,desire and doubt. The lack of sleep probably amplifies this. But I know that’ll pass and it is an opportunity to Be with it. When you allow mind to take over , the feelings and emotions get multiplied. When you stay in the Being by observing breath,thoughts and\or bodily sensations , this multiplication stops and a measure of calm returns. This is a struggle for me though , especially at work.

Snowy Mountain

yesterday evening during the meditation my mind wandered for a moment and was thinking how I would like to know about my previous life\lives. I instantly decided to ask my higher self for information and a moment later there was a flash image of a snowy white mountain ridge on which I was walking. I don’t know if I was alone or with a group. Next moment there was an image of a wolf (or maybe a sled dog) attacking me. That was it.

These are rare moments where spontaneous images or words appear to me , it happens when I am relaxed with an empty mind. Usually if I get thoughts that attract my attention I can trace back what the stream of thoughts was and I can see how I got there. In this kind of case however the images come out of the blue without any thought stream that lead to them. It leaves me wondering if this is my fantasy at work or if it is the information I requested? I guess I need to develop a level of trust in this , hopefully I get some information soon that I can validate.

Mood-o-meter

Feeling somewhat down lately , having trouble ‘carrying’ al this emotional stuff around and keep observing it instead of identifying with it. Sometimes I think that this is required for growth , I hear this also from other people but I also hear from good sources that spiritual growth is also possible from joy. Why do I choose to grow by suffering? The Book of Mastery also states this suffering is not necessary but does not say how one can grow through joy instead of pain. To be continued.

Observation

There is more than enough stuff going on in my life to be worried about , like with most people. Lately however , I seem to be more able to let all that stuff be and see it as part of the persona and of What Is. It is only a problem when seen from the perspective of the person , or small self. The same goes for ‘good’ stuff. This mode of observation is slowly getting stronger. It may be a good development because I want to be all I can be which is much more than just a person , but I’m also a bit weary because detaching from the person can also be a psychological coping mechanism and I don’t want to detach from my life – I just want to see it for what is is , see ME for what I am. Maybe it’s just the ego that is fighting this transition , but I’m not stopping now. It’s probably just fear of letting go of control , because the absence of a Person means absence of control.
I suppose this process is driven by the wonderful Book of Mastery.

Patterns

This morning at breakfast I noticed clearly how the old patterns of mine that caused so much trouble in the past are still there.
My son sat down at the table and by the time he had poured himself a glass of orange juice my mind already produced 4 criticizing thoughts about his actions.
I remember three of them:
“don’t drink so much juice , it contains a lot of sugar and you’re getting overweight.”
“you’re holding the pack of juice wrong , you will spill juice.”
“you’re late for school , no time for hanging around.”

5 years ago I would have acted all those thoughts out into speech , ruining any positive moods around me. Now I see the thoughts and that’s it. This change didn’t take 5 years to happen, infact it already happened after half a year or so – but is is nice to see the difference again.

mood-o-meter

Feeling a wave of emotions. Letting it all flow , don’t want to suppress anything. Listening to sensitive music.
Feelings are deep and complicated, it is a mix of:

Gratitude for this life and for what it has learned me.
Grief for a recent goodbye.
Love for myself and those around me.
Appreciation for the drama of Life.
The observation that life in the end really is without consequence but still these feelings and emotions feel important.
A yearning to be complete again , but what that exactly means I don’t know… but I know I’m on the right track. Everyone is. We can’t not be.
Patiently seeing that I’m in a hurry to grow.

Mood-o-meter

Mood today was good, despite the fact that it was my first day at work again after a week off… 😉

I’m fairly positive-minded lately, confidence level is good (with that I mean that the trust level I feel that all this sh*t in my life serves a purpose is decent). Part of the feeling good comes from the audiobook of Paul Selig that I’m listening, it’s wonderful. (See books page) It’s like having a teacher in my pocket, it seems to say what I need to hear at the moment I need it. It makes me feel less lonely on this journey. But I guess the loneliness is inherent in the spiritual path , no-one can do it for you – we all have to figure ourselves out on our own.

Mindgames

Today started out a notch darker than yesterday. Negative emotions ruling my experience. Funny, but it seems mind is attached to these feelings of self deprecation ; the mind was okay when I woke up this morning and then it remembered it was sad yesterday and continued were it left off…

I’m trying to handle this with skill, I don’t want to push these feelings away so they can come back later with a vengeance. But I also don’t want to let them rule my experience. Best thing is to be aware of them without letting them get out of control. Negative emotions are comprised of a negative thought and an unpleasant physical sensation and these amplify each other. By keeping the attention with the breath and/or physical sensations the thoughtstream will subside and the emotion will be far less intensive.

We went for a 2-hour walk this morning and I applied this, it helped a lot. It also created space to think about what is happening. The negative feelings come from feeling inadequate, incomplete or lacking. In this mode all people I encounter are perceived to do something better than me. I’m seeking for acceptance, but the people around me accept and love me so it must be me who is not accepting me…

Maybe I’ll spend more time listening to positive I Am affirmations, I did this for a while but stopped to give priority to the audiobook of paul selig.