I’m sitting in my meditation room reflection on what just happened.
We (my son, wife and me) were sitting at a table in the garden as we had just finished a meal. I was cleaning up the table when my 17-year old son, apparently agitated for some reason, banged his fist on the table. I asked why he did that and instead of answering my question he punched an empty water bottle from the table. At that point I got instantly enraged, it was so quick I had no chance to stop it. Rage filled me and I pulled him out of his chair onto the grass. I felt like punching him but managed to limit my action to yelling I was fed up with him . I regained some control and angrily continued cleaning up the table. Inside the house I stopped for a moment and felt my heart pounding, breath fast and shallow, the whole body trembling, filled with adrenaline. I took a couple of deep breaths and went outside. I told them I didn’t approve of my action and I was going to sit for a moment. I was actually baffled by what happened and didn’t know I had that rage in me. So I sat down and as soon as I closed my eyes mind was playing its games, launching fantasy dialogs with my son in which I yelled at him about all the things he did wrong. Mind was obviously trying to justify the action. I noticed this and told myself ‘ this is not True, it is just thought, that moment has passed.’ Immediately a part of the anger flowed away. Not that I was pushing anything down but it just dissolved. It felt like a fire in my chest/stomach. Mind started again a few times in slightly different ways but I was clear enough to recognize it and stop believing that thought stream before the anger came back. I calmed down within 20 minutes. I went to my son and we exchanged apologies.
I wonder why this happened and where it came from, but if it was a test to see if I could apply what I’ve learned then I guess I did good enough. At least it was a powerful example of how much influence our belief in our thoughts influence our experience.