Rage

I’m sitting in my meditation room reflection on what just happened.

We (my son, wife and me) were sitting at a table in the garden as we had just finished a meal. I was cleaning up the table when my 17-year old son, apparently agitated for some reason, banged his fist on the table. I asked why he did that and instead of answering my question he punched an empty water bottle from the table. At that point I got instantly enraged, it was so quick I had no chance to stop it. Rage filled me and I pulled him out of his chair onto the grass. I felt like punching him but managed to limit my action to yelling I was fed up with him . I regained some control and angrily continued cleaning up the table. Inside the house I stopped for a moment and felt my heart pounding, breath fast and shallow, the whole body trembling, filled with adrenaline. I took a couple of deep breaths and went outside. I told them I didn’t approve of my action and I was going to sit for a moment. I was actually baffled by what happened and didn’t know I had that rage in me. So I sat down and as soon as I closed my eyes mind was playing its games, launching fantasy dialogs with my son in which I yelled at him about all the things he did wrong. Mind was obviously trying to justify the action. I noticed this and told myself ‘ this is not True, it is just thought, that moment has passed.’ Immediately a part of the anger flowed away. Not that I was pushing anything down but it just dissolved. It felt like a fire in my chest/stomach. Mind started again a few times in slightly different ways but I was clear enough to recognize it and stop believing that thought stream before the anger came back. I calmed down within 20 minutes. I went to my son and we exchanged apologies.

I wonder why this happened and where it came from, but if it was a test to see if I could apply what I’ve learned then I guess I did good enough. At least it was a powerful example of how much influence our belief in our thoughts influence our experience.

The voice of the stranger

My main focus lately is nonduality and in particular the role of thought. Thought is important because in daily life we are focused on our opinion of ‘What Is’ instead of What Is itself. What is ‘What Is’ anyway? This is my definition: ‘What Is’ is all that is directly perceived. Now the word ‘directly’ is key here. I say ‘directly’ because normally we are focused on our opinion of what we perceive or the storyline around it instead of the bare perception itself. So being with What Is means just being in the moment with attention resting on the experience of that moment, instead of our judgment of that experience. If you can keep your attention with direct perception and away from thoughts, you will notice that problems disappear and a deep peace and calm can be found because when we do that égo’ is at the sideline and we are in contact with our true nature, which is pure awareness. So, our relation to thoughts is very important here. But what to do with them?

For a long time I thought that the purpose of meditating was learning to focus the mind in order to stop thoughts from arising. As I’ve noticed and also learned from many other sources, stopping thoughts from arising is impossible. The brain produces thoughts just like your kidneys produce urine. They just happen and it’s not a problem! The problem is that we believe thought. Since we identify with thought we blindly believe thoughts without checking what they are actually saying. If you start to observe thoughts you will notice that they contradict themselves and many times they are just plain bullshit. Try it. (The work of Byron Katie is very useful in this context.) Your thoughts are not you anyway so you might as well view your thoughts as the voice of a stranger. See what the stranger has to say about you and your experience and then decide if you want to keep believing him or her.

So, this is what I’m practicing at the moment. It’s not easy, but I’ve already had some interesting moments where it was very evident that the thoughts I had about myself were contradicting themselves and this undermines the belief in the thoughts which is a good thing.

be well 🌺

Back 2 work

It’s time to get back to routine after a two-week holiday in the south of France. We had a good time and all was well. I managed to attend the two Sunday Satsangs by Fred Davis that were in that timeframe. During the vacation there was little chance for formal meditation but that’s okay; my focus has shifted to being ‘awake’ during the day anyway. Time on the cushion is important, but practice off-cushion during the daily activities is critical. Normally my job complicates things because it’s analytic and requires focus so there is little room to stay mindful, but these last few weeks I’ve taken the opportunity to listen to awakening sessions by Fred Davis as often as possible and trying to stay in the observing mode during the day. It has worked more or less, sometimes more so than other times. It’s a matter if trying to zero in on the important aspects of nonduality during the day. Observe and look through the body, not as the body. For example, observing what the arms are doing is fun; if you keep it up you get the feeling that the arms are moving automatically without a controller (which actually is true). What happens is that deciding just happens and our ego afterwards claims ‘I decided that’. In fact, nobody is deciding or doing anything, everything just happens. This is a fact that I still find hard to accept even though I’ve witnessed it first-hand in the past, but when I observe my arms during activities and I see all the micro-decisions that are being made that ‘I’ am not making, I can get a feel for it. The same goes for driving a car; you can observe yourself driving and notice the multitude of tiny decisions and actions that are required and yet it is effortless to you. Another thing is to stay in contact with the sense of being (or I Am) during the day. This requires not getting caught up in thought streams which is difficult but it can be practiced. I try to keep in mind that there is no Dennis and I am not this body. Instead, I am this awake space in which all perceptions arise. ‘My’ consciousness has identified with perceptions for 45+ years, so it’s not going to switch to identifying with the awake space just like that. I need to be aware of this awake space as much as possible during daily activities in order to try and increase my chances of tipping the scale. It shifted in the past so it can happen again.

Focusing on nonduality has resulted in spending less time on energy practices. In fact, I’m not sure how to reconcile the esoteric things I’ve learned with non-duality. Some aspects seem to match, but other things less so. I’m trying to stay out of trying to understand it all because our brains are not equipped to really get all this. Non-duality is riddled with paradoxes that make no sense to the analytic mind. Non-duality can only be Known and not understood. I still attend shamballa sessions though. I’m hoping I’ll be able to attend the next one on August 25th because it seems I got my throat inflamed at the end of the holiday. I won’t go to these gatherings if I have symptoms. We’ll see if I recover in time.

This is the end of yet another messy post but that’s fine. Stay healthy and be happy 💗

this video should loop and keep playing. I love that sound. Maybe I’ll make a soundtrack out of it.

Mood-o-meter

I haven’t posted anything significant in a quite a while. I just didn’t know what to write. I still don’t really know but I feel the urge to write something so here goes. It probably will be a chaotic post but that’s fine.

First of all the Fred Davis non-duality stuff. This has my focus now where earlier my focus was more on energy practice. I still work with energy occasionally but my main focus is on non-duality. Energy still plays a role but maybe I’ll explain that later in this post.

For those who are unfamiliar with non-duality: it refers to the fact that there is only one consciousness that is looking through each set of eyes in this manifestation. The idea that each of us has a separate, individual consciousness is an illusion.

So a while ago I participated in a group awakening course conducted by Fred Davis. I had been following Fred on YouTube for some time, I really like his style. In the past I also rented a video by Fred that was made earlier from a similar group awakening session and now I was able to attend such a session live. (The recording of this new course is now available for rent) Although ‘I’ didn’t wake up myself in that course, several others did and it was quite an experience. In fact, the material is still doing it’s work with me as I replay the recordings.

After the course I saw a post on his blog that there were some openings in his student program which was the first time in years. I jumped to the opportunity and I was allowed to enter the program. This means I’ll have a one hour personal session with Fred each month plus I can attend the Satsangs each Sunday where fellow students and other people come together to explore the subject of nonduality. I’m happy to be a part of that since I was in need of some guidance and I’m (un)learning a lot.

The subject of nonduality caused some confusion as well. How does that fit in with working with ascended masters, higher self, spirit guides, reincarnation, shamballa and so on? If my true nature is this field of awareness in which all of manifestation takes place then all of those beings and energies must be part of me too. I mulled this over for a while and then decided to drop it; mind is not equipped to understand these things. I just accept that I cannot possibly understand everything from the limited perspective of this realm. I do integrated it in one way though. If I accept the given that this body with its senses is a tool to experience this world of manifestation, then the field of consciousness must be connected to it in some way. I feel this is though the heart center, where also the connection is to the higher self or ‘I Am’ (according to st.Germain). So I visualize that I am not the body but I am this infinite field of awareness, connected to this body through the heart center. This way I integrate the Light meditation with non-duality.

So I’m focused on nonduality now, which brings a lot of confusion. When I have difficult emotions, I can go two routes:

A) the Tantric way: dive into the emotion and feel it thoroughly, mentally and physically. Let it flow and see what message or insight is hidden in it, or

B) go the Nondual way: where is the one who suffers? Where is the owner of the thoughts? The thoughts and emotions are only arisings in consciousness, they are not owned by anyone. So you let them simply be.

These two approaches couldn’t be more different and I intend to use my next session with Fred to dive into this topic.

Furthermore I try to stay aware during the day of What Is. Stay in touch with that field of awareness which is actually Me. One of the things I keep in mind if that this body is in my consciousness, instead of my consciousness being in this body as I thought before. I am the witness of everything that arises in manifestation. So I am not mind or body, rather mind and body arise within me.

That’s it for today, be well 🌸

What Is

This morning during my exercises I started talking out loud to myself. I never do this so I thought it was a bit peculiar. This is what I said (pardon the language but I’m keeping it authentic):

Wanting to f*ck someone is looking for pleasure. Wanting to cuddle with someone is looking for pleasure. Wanting to talk with someone is looking for pleasure. Once the desire has been fulfilled a new desire will arise. A desire for something better, something deeper. And so the cycle continues. Stop wanting pleasure. Stop wanting pleasure and start accepting What Is. 


What Is is not what your mind thinks it is. What Is is What Is.

Mood-o-meter

I’ve been wanting to post here about my current experience but I find that difficult. There’s just so much confusion I don’t know where to start.
I find myself battling with so many strong emotions. Frustration, resentment, all kinds of deep desires etcetera. They’ve been with me for such a long time now it seems I’m either too stubborn to learn my lesson or I’m just missing something. It’s wearing me out.

At the same time I try to see these feelings and emotions as arisings without an owner. As ‘I’ have seen in the past, there is no Dennis. I am the Observer , the awake space in which all objects that are perceived arise and pass. The awakeness is always there, but the objects come and go. It’s just that Awakeness is mistakenly identified with what is perceived instead of the Observer (I Am) itself. Having seen this in the past doesn’t mean though that it is Known right now. When ‘I’ perceived Truth, it was a Knowing that is at the cellular level , or so it felt. It is not a function of the brain or the result of thought. It is not deduced or the produce of rational reason. It is simply Known and there is no thought involved in that. Awakeness had a Dennis-free moment. It lasted only a few seconds however and now it is merely a memory of ‘Dennis’. So I try to keep in mind that there is no Dennis and I’m not the owner of these feelings and emotions or any other feeling or emotion. It’s like when you walk in the woods and a leaf falls from a tree. It falls through the air before you on its way to the soil. You don’t look at that leaf and say “that’s my leaf. It’s a bad leaf. I want it to be different.” No. It’s just a leaf, it briefly passed through your awareness and you attributed no personal value to it. It’s the same with thoughts , emotions, feelings , anything and everything you can perceive. So I try to remind myself of this and that these emotions are not mine – they just are, but the Knowing is gone so the suffering is present. Rationally knowing that they are not mine does not change my experience.

So this is the split I’m in. I’m looking to either solve the situation so that these emotions are resolved and I can be at ease again, but there really is no acceptable solution so the only way ‘out’ is to find my way to Truth again.

I hope working with Fred Davis will help , but I also know that it’s Dennis who is doing the hoping 😄 Argh……

Evening meditation

It’s difficult lately. Moods are dark and meditations feel kind of useless. I’m just so closed off from my feelings, my heart feels like a fortress. Tonight I did this very good loving kindness meditation in an attempt to soften me up and it worked nicely. As a result the Light meditation I did after that felt good too. I finished with a 10-minute Microcosmic Orbit which also felt good; I could feel warmth going around. I did the version with the guided audio in which you go to the next energy center with each exhalation. I used a trick by Robert Bruce I had forgotten; to imagine feeling the touch of a finger lightly tracing the path of the energy over your skin, this helps with precisely placing and maintaining the awareness. It worked very well and felt effective. I was in dear need of a good session.

Looking forward to my session with Fred Davis tomorrow, too. Trying not have have any expectations.

Mood-o-meter

I’m really in the deep low frequencies lately. Lots of frustration, anger, resentment, impatience, self loathing,you name it. Most meditations feel dull and lifeless. Tonight I came across this person on YouTube and I tried a meditation of his. It’s nothing new – just staying aware of sensory input and the presence of thoughts – just as I do many times, but I haven’t been doing that lately. I’ve been focusing too much on the light meditation which is unbalanced. This was just what I needed – so very centering. It’s as Blavatsky said : “Mind is a useful servant but a cruel master”. After a session of an hour I feel much better.

Energy

Today is a remarkable day energy-wise. I’m feeling quite Present all the time today. The activity in my heart center\solar plexus of this morning has continued. A desire I have been trying to understand the last year was very prominent in my awareness and I found myself trying to transcend\transmute that desire, even as I was walking through the supermarket shopping for groceries. Each time I noticed a wave of the desire I sent it into my stomach in order to ‘burn’ it in golden energy. I felt strong enough today to do that. I can’t remember ever being stronger than this. I don’t want desire to dictate my life or my experience anymore. When I got home I went up to my meditation room and I lied down on my own treatment table. I started a Light meditation during which I invited a lot of Light beings to work on me. I even invited the shamballa family and gave myself a healing. It felt quite strong. I followed it up with a Violet Flame meditation which also felt strong. There is heat in my chest now as I write this.

I’m curious as to how this will develop. Normally after a high I’d expect a low. We’ll see what happens.

Mood-o-meter

Mood is going up and down constantly and extremely but I hear this from a lot of contacts around me so it’s not just me. Recently I posted a bit of channeling and on that day for done reason I was very centered. Not only on the cushion but also during the day. I was able to stay with the breath during activities, minimizing thoughts and their influence. I felt calm and empty (in a good way). From that emptiness came the channeling during meditation. I thought I may have had a breakthrough, maybe I finally made a significant step towards true peace and happiness. Turns out it was short lived. The days after that up until now are among the worst ever, in a sense that I feel unrest , discontent and I am unable to find that centeredness and calm again. Meditations feel almost useless but I do then anyway. I try to remind myself that everything passes and so shall this.

Some support is coming from a book by St. Germain I’m reading. The timeline in the book may have proven to be inaccurate but the wisdom in it is not diminished by that.

Still doing my affirmations after my morning light meditation:

I am a positive person

A strong energy flows through me

I am a talented healer

I am good at channeling

I’m full of love