Feeling negative about myself lately, only seeing the stuff I don’t like about myself , and others. Longing to feel calm and loving. If unconditional love is my true nature, I am a long way from it. Don’t know what to do about it. Feeling thankful for little things feels futile. Trusting that this will blow over like everything does .
I went to the quiet spot along the stream again. I picked a nice tree and put my hands on it , asking it for permission to let me purge my negative emotions into mother earth via it’s roots. It didn’t feel very lively but I continued for a minute or two. Then I thanked the tree for the oxygen and shelter it provides. I then gave it some Shamballa energy. It did not feel very effective though but that is not required for it to work.After that I sat down on the bank of the stream close to a small waterfall and started my MCO. I started out with asking for guidance from my higher self and guides. First I tried to build up some energy in my lower dantian by drawing energy in from the beautiful natural surroundings , but the negative mood that I am in lately seems to block appreciation of the beauty and building energy didn’t feel very effective so I just started the MCO. I began with somewhat faster and deeper breathing without pauses , circulating the energy around the torso during each breath cycle. I continued for about 15 minutes and stopped , thanking my higher self and guides for the guidance . Not that I noticed anything of guidance, but I try to trust.
I was seated cross-legged in the caravan during this 20-minute session. Focus was horrible and mind wandered all the time so I actually cut this session short because I don’t like working with energy when I’m not focused.
I did this 30-minute higher self meditation. Meeting my higher self made me cry. No further information or insights were conveyed.
Sat down at the peaceful quiet spot along the stream again.First tried to stay in awareness, the I Am feeling. Feeling ‘my’ body, not being the body but being attached to the body.After about 15 minutes decided to do an MCO. No guiding audio of course. Imagined drawing in the energy from around me. I was sitting by the stream in the sun so that means air, water, fire and earth energy .The energy was a bright white ball this time, going around the torso from spot to spot with little resistance. Still contracting the pelvic floor muscle at the out breath.After about 10 minutes I stopped but as I wanted to store the collected energy in the crystal ball in my lower dantian, it seemed to want to move upward to my head so I let it do that. There the energy was absorbed in a purple crystal ball in the center of my head. Total session time was about 35 minutes.
Tried meditating for 30 minutes with a beautiful piece of apophyllite in order to get in better contract with my higher self, so I could get some guidance what to do in my current situation. It didn’t seem very productive, all I got was a ‘ follow your heart’.
An insight came from an email exchange I had. To love anything you first have to love yourself. I knew this but a further distinction was made. Direct the love to your higher self ( or I Am presence) instead of the small self as I was doing. Will try that.
We found this really pretty isolated spot by the stream and I went back there to meditate.I asked for guidance from my higher self and started drawing in the energy from my surroundings.I used no guiding audio but went from energy center to energy center during each breath. I felt the energy as a moving presence. Sometimes I envisioned it as a ball of white light, sometimes it was an abrasive ball, slowly milling it’s way through obstructions. When I let it eat it’s way through an obstruction, it could take multiple (fast and deep) breaths. Examples of obstructions with me are from 3rd eye to throat and on the back upwards. This 25-minute session felt good.
I was seated in the caravan while it was raining when I did this 26-minute session. Just before this we went to a crystals expo nearby where we bought some nice stones, these were on the table in front of me. I don’t know if it was the energy of the stones that supported me, but it was a nice session. Focus was quite good and there was a sense of movement and warmth going around while doing the MCO. I started out by drawing in energy from my surroundings into my lower dantian for a few minutes after which I could already feel the warmth glowing in my abdomen. I used the guided audio again for the MCO , so that means going from one spot to the next during each breath cycle. At the end I let the envisioned crystal ball in my abdomen absorb the collected energy. The sensation of heat in my abdomen after the session was clear.
I did the Seven Sacred Flames meditation in Insight Timer app, it was very nice.