Tonight was an unusual meditation. I started with a Light meditation which was fine and I noticed that the meditation was deeper and more stable than usual. It’s not that mind didn’t wander or so but there was a slight gap between the experience of thoughts and sensations and the one who is aware of it. So mind was wandering but I was aware of it and it didn’t matter. Also lots of physical sensations came by that didn’t bother me. At some point the phrase “I am a being of Violet fire, I am the purity God desires” popped into my mind and I saw myself engulfed in Violet fire. Waves of subtle tingles kept washing over my body as I kept repeating the mantra in my mind. This continued for 15-30 minutes. When I spoke the mantra out loud a few times the sensations became even stronger and then dissipated for the most part. The gap between the experience and awareness remained and I effortlessly remained seated for the rest of the session enjoying this state. When I reluctantly finished to go to bed the timer was at 01:01:01.
My anxiety for the healing ceremony tomorrow is gone, looking forward to it.
It seems I’m getting back on my feet. I’m less anxious and insecure, feeling more energetic and confident and looking forward again to next Saturday when I’ll be assisting in a healing ceremony to honor Mother Earth. Maybe watching this highly inspiring documentary helped with that.
This evening I started with a Light meditation that was okay but with a lot of mind wandering. In the beginning I invited a bunch of entities to assist me energetically. Michael directed me to put a piece of kyanite on the top of my head which I did, but I don’t know what the purpose of that was. After the light meditation I did a very short EFT tapping meditation and finally a Violet Flame, which gave me some tingles but not very strongly.
Tonight I had limited time but I started with this EFT meditation that deals with stage fright since one of the fears I want to address has to do with an upcoming presentation for my department at work. I could dodge that presentation but I want to face my fears. I noticed I had a little trouble invoking the fear so it might be that the EFT sessions are already having their effect. Nevertheless I felt more confident and relaxed afterwards and felt like my strength is returning. Also I’m less worried about the healing ceremony next weekend.
I finished with a Light meditation which was okay.
This morning, as I was doing my morning meditation, my mind started thinking about the nature of consciousness and the thought stream was interesting enough to just let it happen.
I’m not as focused on the subject of non duality lately but still I always wonder who I am. As I was flooding my body with white Light I thought ‘ who is doing the flooding, is it really me because I am my higher self? Then, am I flooding myself? Who is noticing that?’ I already know (rationally) who I am, I am the simple awareness that is aware of everyday impressions. The simple attention that is conscious of thoughts, senses, emotions. If my thumb hurts and I’m aware of feeling the pain, I’m as awake as I’m ever going to get, so it’s not a matter of reaching a different level of awakeness. The problem is identification. I’m identifying with the thoughts, senses and emotions. But with what should I identify and how does that fit in the picture of a small self and a higher self? Am I my higher self? This doesn’t fit. So this morning a picture presented itself in my head that was better: I’m an individuated aspect of the Higher Self and it’s purpose is to experience the physical plane by being aware of thoughts, senses and emotions and to this end it is intimately connected to a physical body. The problem is that that individuated consciousness is identifying with what is being noticed, instead of knowing itself as the Observer.
In this model all the principles of non-duality and higher self seem to fit. By the way, this is also how the Seth entity describes our nature, but I took some time understanding that 😉.
Lately I feel like there’s nowhere to hide, like no aspect of my life is giving me any security or stability. Everything is surrounded by doubt and suspicion in my mental world.
So in search of a way to manage this I’m exploring EFT (tapping). This evening I started out with listening to some singing bowls for about 20 minutes and then I did two guided EFT meditations. One was 20 minutes and the other was 10 minutes. I must say that it definitely seems to make a difference; the ball of tension in my abdomen was still present but it was soft and warm like a piece of malleable wax. I followed it up with a Light meditation which was okay. Feeling quite a bit more centered and optimistic now, but I also see the tendency of mind to go back to the thought streams that cause the tension. If I let that happen the anxiety and insecurity will return so I have to stay alert and centered.
Today was a day full of doubt and fear again. I think the fear is draining all the energy, causing a dark mood as a result. It’s not that I’m constantly in a panic but there is a clear fear that is constantly in my consciousness, wearing me out. So tonight I did a guided meditation that uses EFT to address fear. I liked it and it seems to help. Feeling better afterwards not only in terms of anxiety but also some of my energy returned and the mood is noticeably less pessimistic. I followed it up with a Light meditation and although it didn’t feel as strong as it usually does, it felt a lot better that the ones in the last week. Practicing channeling is still out of the question in this state however. Besides, the last time I tried that I channelled information for myself that proved inaccurate so I’m also losing confidence in that area. All part of the game though, not going to stop…
I’m still dealing with a lot of fear from different sources and it seems it all can be traced back to a central fear of being ‘not good enough’. I’m afraid of the upcoming healing ceremony because I might fail or disappoint myself. The feeling of being unworthy or ‘ not good enough’ is very strong lately. At first I was thrilled and happy to be invited to participate in that ceremony but now there is mostly fear and that fear blocks my energy and my confidence so I feel weak, further strengthening the feeling of inadequacy. This also caused the anger in my previous post. However, withdrawing from that ceremony is not an option for me; that would be real failure in my eyes. I have to learn to let go and trust that it’ll work out.
I started practicing EFT (emotional freedom techniques) , also called ‘tapping’, to address this fear.
The basics are easy to learn and application takes only a few minutes per day. It’s based on restoring energy flow through meridians, thereby releasing blocking emotions or beliefs. I’ve done a few sessions so far and it seems I feel instantly more relaxed but this is only temporary, the fear is getting stronger during the day. But, as with many therapies it may get worse before it gets better so I’m keeping this up.
This evening I tried a meditation by Penney Pierce called “track daily vibrations” but I quit after 10 minutes or so. This person is very advanced but I just can’t work with her material. I don’t know what it is but it frustrates me, I’m angry right now. Everytime I read something in her book “Frequency” or listen to one of her exercises I just can’t keep up with her. She’s asking all kinds of questions that I can’t answer and it makes me feel totally incompetent. Like the meditation I mentioned; “Note your physical vibration. Note your mental vibration. Now do this and that. Do your feel the difference?” NO I DON’T. After 10 minutes of questions like that it feels completely pointless to do these exercises and I feel down because I just don’t feel it. I can’t answer a single question. I’m already insecure about what I do and this doesn’t help. Again, she seems very advanced but I just think her material is not for me. I’m sure it’s very helpful for others. I know I shouldn’t get so frustrated over this but I’m already fighting to stay positive and this makes it harder. I’ll probably delete this post again soon, we’ll see.
Edit in the morning:
When I woke up I felt fine. Then I noticed my mind going back to yesterday evening and remembering my mood. I could feel the darkness returning but I stopped it by focusing on something positive. I’m not going back there.
Even though I’m not proud of the above I see that I’ve learned. I’ve had these kinds of episodes before and they can get very black. That didn’t happen this time because part of me recognized it and I kept some awareness of breath in the process, so I wasn’t completely absorbed in the negative thoughts.
I think this was caused by a rehearsal yesterday for a healing ceremony I will participate in next weekend. I found myself surrounded by people who, in my mind’s perception, I am inferior to and this caused me to feel fearful and inadequate. I know that’s bullshit and it’s just me being put to the test, an opportunity to free myself. We’ll see how this develops.
It seems I’m regaining some of my energy and centering. I also ate big meals today and yesterday which is unusual for me, I normally eat quite modest portions. So tonight I started my evening meditation listening to some meditative music to quiet the mind and then did a Light meditation. During this time a plan developed in my head how I want to treat a person with whom I regularly practice shamballa. I let this happen in my head as I found it productive. The Light felt stronger again, this had been weak since last Friday or so. I followed that up with a Violet flame meditation because I hadn’t done that in quite a while and it felt strong. After that I felt centered and empty-minded so I practiced some channeling with Michael. It was okay, nothing spectacular. Michael told me to be patient and wait while a heaviness built in my head which was peculiar. They seemed to want to respond to my post about love today. They found it good but much more could be said about it. I agree… But I didn’t get any extra material.
I would like to be able to enter a trance for channeling and this felt like it could lead to that. Who knows.
Of course afterwards I doubt myself again, are these my own thoughts? But I can’t deny that I have had small predictions in the past that were very specific and came out true.
I find myself wondering about love (between partners) again. Lately I’m haunted by desires that I thought I had ‘overcome’ or was in the process of overcoming but now they seem to be back in full force. Apparently I haven’t learned my lesson yet? Confusion arises when thinking about love between two persons and how that relates to unconditional love.
It’s funny how I ‘run into’ relevant material about that topic now that these questions linger in my mind. In the Seth book I’m listening to a chapter about the functions of the brain and how chemicals influence our experience. Additionally, I came across this article on CNN about the very same subject. So when thinking further about it I realized there are some major differences between interpersonal love and unconditional love:
(note: I’m not implying to speak the Truth below, it is only how I view things at this time.)
Interpersonal love can be the basis for a relationship but unconditional love cannot because unconditional love is impersonal, does not judge and applies to all of experience indiscriminately. It will not lead to a choice to commit to a specific relationship. Furthermore, interpersonal love is not unconditional because the relationship will only survive as long as it works for both persons. (Note that ‘works’ can mean different things; a person who keeps an abusive partner to unconsciously punish onseself due to childhood imprinting may seem to be in a bad relationship when viewed from the outside, but the person in question still ‘thinks’ the relationship works.So a ‘working’ relationship does not necessarily look good from the outside.) As soon as one of the partners starts to show behaviour that is unacceptable to the other, the relationship will end.
What the Seth material and the CNN article also made me realize is that interpersonal love includes the desire to mate (sexually), which clearly is not the case with unconditional love.
So if a desire to be in a relationship with someone includes the desire to mate, I’m assuming that I’m a slave to brain chemistry and although it feels hard to ignore or dismiss, is ultimately of no importance when looking at the bigger picture.
Also this tells me that I should not compare unconditional love to interpersonal love, nor should I judge myself for not feeling unconditional love for my partner. That’s unrealistic and not how it works. I think best case one can have a good loving relationship with a person and – at the same time – feel unconditional love for All That Is, which of course includes the partner.
It also means that the relationship can be ended if it doesn’t work anymore, while still feeling unconditional love because feeling unconditional love does not infer one should stay in a relationship that is harmful.