I’m changing my approach towards meditation. I’m focusing on nonduality for the coming period -until I focus on something else 🙂.
Since my true nature is the simple awakeness that observes all objects in consciousness, I thought I’d try meditation with my eyes open. I’m meditating since 2014 and I’ve always done this with my eyes closed (with a few rare, unsatisfying exceptions). I’ve learned a lot from Fred Davis though and I’m looking at it from a different angle now.
So I placed my phone in front of me with this video on, a simple burning candle. I did this because otherwise attention will always be scanning my field of vision for something interesting to think about. By fixating my view on the candle and keeping it there, I can stay more concentrated. So I’m fixed on the candle, but in my peripheral vision I see the whole room if course, and my arms and legs. While staring at the candle I’m also aware of breath, thought and body. I’m trying you stay aware of the process of perceiving, because that takes me closest to my true nature. I did this for an hour. It actually worked well, it’s hard to explain but it was easier to get into a witnessing mode, slightly dissociated from experience. A few times there was an itch and the hand moved to scratch it and I had the distinct impression that this was happening by itself (which is true) and I did not actively decide to do that. The same goes for seeing the candle, this also is just happening. ‘Seeing the candle’ just happens, it is What Is in this moment. I don’t know if this makes sense to anyone but it does to me; it resembles the short experience of nonduality a bit ‘I’ experienced in February of last year. So I’m probably going to keep doing this for some time. It’s like many teachers say; you can’t do anything to get enlightened because nobody is doing anything so you just have to be lucky, but you can create circumstances that increase the odds of you being lucky. I feel that maybe this may increase my odds. Next to that I’m doing my best to stay in observation mode during the day, so that at all times part of my awareness is noticing What Is in the moment, looking through the body instead of as the body.
This evening I got final confirmation that I’m admitted in the student program conducted by Fred Davis. I successfully enlisted yesterday already but doubts arose in me whether I really qualified for the program. Today I got the good news. This has a great effect on me and I feel like this is the beginning of a whole new chapter. A sense of calm came over me and in my evening meditation just now I just sat mindfully for an hour without effort. Just keeping attention at the breath and allowing everything to be, witnessing it. Thoughts, sensations, feelings and emotions come and go, but the witnessing attention is always there. Sometimes mind wandered for a bit but that didn’t bother me. Meanwhile part of my attention was circulating energy up the back and down the front of the torso, which felt nice. It didn’t cost much effort. It’s nice to be able to meditate this way again after a long period of difficulty.
It’s difficult lately. Moods are dark and meditations feel kind of useless. I’m just so closed off from my feelings, my heart feels like a fortress. Tonight I did this very good loving kindness meditation in an attempt to soften me up and it worked nicely. As a result the Light meditation I did after that felt good too. I finished with a 10-minute Microcosmic Orbit which also felt good; I could feel warmth going around. I did the version with the guided audio in which you go to the next energy center with each exhalation. I used a trick by Robert Bruce I had forgotten; to imagine feeling the touch of a finger lightly tracing the path of the energy over your skin, this helps with precisely placing and maintaining the awareness. It worked very well and felt effective. I was in dear need of a good session.
Looking forward to my session with Fred Davis tomorrow, too. Trying not have have any expectations.
This morning I combined my light meditation with the Microcosmic Orbit again. It makes sense in my head; the Microcosmic Orbit focuses on the anatomy of the energy body within the limits of the physical body while the light meditation focuses on the relation between the outer self (ego) and our inner God (higher self\ I Am). I’m merely combining the two using the higher self as a source (or conduit) for the energy that I use in the Microcosmic Orbit.
The meditation felt so pleasant this morning that I had a bit of trouble stopping. The body was feeling soft and slightly buzzing with energy, while a sensation of warmth developed in my abdomen. I’m going to keep doing this for a while to see where it leads me.
Afterwards I did my affirmations, which I slightly tweaked:
I Am a happy and positive person A powerful energy flows through me I Am a gifted healer I have a talent for channeling I Am filled with love
Tonight I sat down in my meditation room and started with a nice 25-minute Vipassana meditation by Tara Brach. Mind wandered quite a bit. Then I did a Light meditation in which I integrated the Microcosmic orbit elements again meaning that I imagine the energy flowing into my body through my heart center from where it circulates around the torso, up the back through the spine and down the front. It seemed to generate a sense of heat in the abdomen and felt good. At the end I collected the energy at the lower dantian.
I intend to make a new version of my guided Light meditation to include this but at the moment I lack the time.
I always do a Light meditation in the morning and in the evening. This morning was interesting. I think I did this before but in the last part of the meditation where I picture white light flowing into my body though the heart center I normally just imagine my body being filled with it. Now I kind of combined it with the Microcosmic Orbit by picturing the energy coming in through the heart filling all the meridians in my body until they glow and then starting to circulate the energy; up the back through the spine (governing vessel) at the in breath and down the front of the torso (conception vessel) at the out breath. This felt very good. At the end I collect the energy at the lower dantian, behind and just below the bellybutton. I going to make a new version of the guided audio to include this.
See here for a good explanation about the vessels mentioned.
I seem to be back to normal, meaning it’s a struggle to stay centered or positive during the day. Circumstances surely are not making it any easier. This evening’s meditation was okay though, mind was scattered but still the Light meditation felt good. The warmth in the chest returned which is interesting. I hope this means I’ll open up emotionally because I feel closed off again. At the same time I wonder if I should even bother because I’ve always been a very neutral person when it comes to emotions. Maybe I’m wanting something that’s not realistic. I know I can open up but usually this is in very emotional circumstances.
After sleeping well I did my light meditation this morning, as usual. It felt strong again and the flow between my heart and stomach was there again. It feels like a blob of warm syrup.
After the light meditation I did my affirmations again: I Am a positive person. A strong energy flows through me. I Am a gifted healer. I Am good at channeling. I Am filled with love.
When I say “I Am a gifted healer” I realize that it is not me who heals. I don’t give myself credit for any of that. That would be like thanking the brush for making a painting. I am the brush and the I Am presence is the painter. All I can take credit for is overcoming fear and doubt so that ego can step out of the way.
The warmth in the heart area remains present after the meditation as I write this.