Evening meditation

It’s difficult lately. Moods are dark and meditations feel kind of useless. I’m just so closed off from my feelings, my heart feels like a fortress. Tonight I did this very good loving kindness meditation in an attempt to soften me up and it worked nicely. As a result the Light meditation I did after that felt good too. I finished with a 10-minute Microcosmic Orbit which also felt good; I could feel warmth going around. I did the version with the guided audio in which you go to the next energy center with each exhalation. I used a trick by Robert Bruce I had forgotten; to imagine feeling the touch of a finger lightly tracing the path of the energy over your skin, this helps with precisely placing and maintaining the awareness. It worked very well and felt effective. I was in dear need of a good session.

Looking forward to my session with Fred Davis tomorrow, too. Trying not have have any expectations.


Today is a remarkable day energy-wise. I’m feeling quite Present all the time today. The activity in my heart center\solar plexus of this morning has continued. A desire I have been trying to understand the last year was very prominent in my awareness and I found myself trying to transcend\transmute that desire, even as I was walking through the supermarket shopping for groceries. Each time I noticed a wave of the desire I sent it into my stomach in order to ‘burn’ it in golden energy. I felt strong enough today to do that. I can’t remember ever being stronger than this. I don’t want desire to dictate my life or my experience anymore. When I got home I went up to my meditation room and I lied down on my own treatment table. I started a Light meditation during which I invited a lot of Light beings to work on me. I even invited the shamballa family and gave myself a healing. It felt quite strong. I followed it up with a Violet Flame meditation which also felt strong. There is heat in my chest now as I write this.

I’m curious as to how this will develop. Normally after a high I’d expect a low. We’ll see what happens.

Note to self

Something I did not get about mindfulness for a long time and I have to remind myself of this frequently:

The trick is to be aware of being aware of my experience. So instead of monitoring the contents of what is being perceived and thought, be aware of the process of being aware of that.
So when I hear ,I try to be aware that there is hearing instead of being aware of the dog’s barking. If I think something, I try to be aware of the fact that there is thought instead of focusing on the content of the thought.

A good trick is also to try and look at your experience through the body instead of as the body.
The body is the instrument I use to experience this world, it is not me.
I am the awareness.

Desires and fears

A conversation I had last Tuesday got me thinking about desires. I’ve been dealing a lot with that (and fears too) the last few years and it’s still a fight every day. They’re my single biggest obstacle to being at peace and they are closely related. Fears aren’t necessarily a problem. Running away from a charging predator in the forest seems a healthy choice to me but modern fears mainly pertain to fantasies in our head, things that we think might happen (or not happen). Desires aren’t necessarily a problem too; they can give direction and purpose to our actions and if one is steadily working towards a desired goal this can be a great journey. Problems arise when this goal is not achievable or realistic. I’m not going the Buddhist path by saying that personality is an illusion, that everything is ephemeral and that attachment equals suffering. Having a goal is fine, as long one is not attached to accomplishing it. A desire is a goal with attachment to the outcome and this will result in suffering. Even though that is all true, it is not a very helpful approach unless you’re in a monastery.

Take the desire for some relationship. Look at your life right now and not the picture you painted of the future. Is your relationship really that bad? Or is it good but you just have created this picture in your head of how wonderful things should\could be, without checking how great the chances are of this fantasy really turning out that way? Our minds are brilliant at creating wonderful future images or, at the other extreme, horrible ones too. When we focus on an imaginary future we lose track of the Now. Most of the time this Now isn’t all that bad. We lose ourselves in the future image which has no reality to it and we keep comparing that with our current situation, making the Now seem bad. This is not a fair comparison since the Mind knows exactly what our weak spots are and how to construct the most amazing future. The desire results in a fear of missing out because as time progresses and the desire is not fulfilled, we grow scared we’ll never ‘get it’.
We project the missing out into the future and imagine our lives in misery without ever satisfying this desire while we can’t know what our life will be like tomorrow, let alone one year or 10 years from now. So I try to take it a day at a time and not give the mind the privilege of painting a future for me. Take life a day at a time and stay in the Now. Observe every moment as it presents itself, not wanting it to be any specific way. I think this is one of Life’s hardest and greatest lessons. This text is a reminder for myself too and a life task in progress.

Stay strong, be Present and take care!

Evening meditation

My mood has improved during the day in a sense that I can cope with it again. This evening I started out with a guided meditation that I broke off because it didn’t work for me. I then started another guided meditation that I did once before and that one was better for me. I finished off with my own Light meditation which went okay. I’m still very closed off, my heart center feels physically uncomfortable like there’s a rock in there or something.

Morning meditation

After a number of days of feeling down and low in energy I had a strong Light meditation again this morning. Lots of stuff happened before my mind’s eye and I’ll try to describe it before I forget.

I started out with two very short meditations from this site. The first one (sexual healing) was nice and the image of energy circulating between the centers was clear. The second one (return of the Goddess) felt stronger. I like the idea of merging with a female body in order to bring more female energy into my system. Then I proceeded with a regular Light meditation. My body was buzzing with energy and I felt quite confident and calm. The intellectual scepticism that I usually have to’fight’ was weak. I can’t remember the exact sequence of events anymore but these are things that happened before my mind’s eye:

The female body of the Goddess meditation was still merged with my own, bringing softness to my energy. I felt like I was a strong beacon of white light, it was emanating to my surroundings. Sometimes a flash of fear or disturbance would be triggered by some thought but I was conscious of that and I immediately let the Light consume it, after which it was gone and I couldn’t even remember the thought that triggered it anymore. At some point I was a sphere of strong bright light and I thought of and old friend. I saw her as a sphere of light too, but it was a bit weaker, struggling and flickering. I let it enter my own sphere so it was safe and protected. I nurtured it with the Light and it had a feeling to it as if it were a baby in a whomb. It was quite beautiful until my mind got distracted. I was thinking about my purpose in life, something I have been wondering about for a long time. I didn’t get a clear picture but I saw myself on or near a beautiful pond in a forest with lillies on the water and surrounded by reed. It was night and a misty fog hung over the water. I was lecturing or teaching something but there was nobody there to listen so no idea what the point was of that. Then my attention went back to the meditation. The sphere of light I had been feeding was bright again and was floating before my own sphere. We had subtly different colors . We slowly but deliberately merged into one but with keeping our own integrity. I felt a strong companionship. This was pleasant and it lasted for some time. All the while energy felt strong, I was feeling big and powerful in a gentle way.

Lately I try to remain conscious about the golden sun in my heart center and the white light in my body during all my daily activities, to keep me in touch with my true nature.

Time to start my day.

Be well ! 🍀🌸

Global meditation

This morning I got up at 4:15 in order to join a global mass meditation as described here.

This might sound strange but actually I was a bit uncertain wether it was really a good idea to directly ask for dissolution of the Corona pandemic and healing of all patients. Why? When you see a person that has an obvious source of suffering (say, an extreme headache) and you want to help them, you might be tempted to do that with the intention of fixing the headache. This is however not a correct way of looking at this. The pain might be there for a reason and fixing it may deprive the person of the opportunity of learning an important life lesson. Or, the pain may only be a symptom of some deeper issue and by fixing the pain you only provide short-lived relief at best. Some even argue that providing help that is not asked for results in a karmic debt. This is why, in general, I will only give a very general healing intention to my sessions. I usually trust the energy to know what needs to be done, and I only do it with explicit permission from the individual.

So maybe there is a global lesson going on here for the human race? I don’t know, but it sure is something we are learning from, whether it was intended that way or not. This doesn’t mean I don’t see the tremendous suffering, but I also sense more unity, I see the teddy bears and hearts in the windows of the homes, people helping each other everywhere. There’s a lot more compassion. People are much more aware of each other because of the social distancing rules and as a result there is noticeably more greeting between strangers in public. On the other hand it’s the elderly that are even more lonely than they were and the poor people and refugees are about to get hit hard.

Like everything in life it’s probably best to not try to categorize this event as Good or Bad. It just is. Someone who lost a loved one to the illness will see this differently and my heart goes out to those people.

Back to the Global Peace meditation. It sure didn’t eradicate Corona and it didn’t heal all patients, but I was pleasantly surprised when I noticed the YouTube group chat going on below the video after it finished:

This went on for at least 45 minutes. I was touched to see the responses of people from all corners of the world, and this in itself was enough for me to be glad I joined in.

May all beings be healthy and compassionate.

Be well!

Evening meditation

The Ziemia ceremony last Saturday completely drained me of energy somehow, I was a wreck the whole Sunday. I played couch potato all day until the evening when I had to get somewhat active since the wife had an evening shift at work and well, we have to eat. As of today I seem to be recovering. I don’t know if I did something wrong energy-wise on Saturday but I’ve heard the same reports from my colleague healers. It was indeed very demanding in terms of energy. Anyhow, I had to move my shamballa night tonight to next Thursday. It was a tough call but I’m glad I did it, I wouldn’t have been at ease otherwise. Also that means I had time for a decent meditation tonight. I started out listening to a beautiful Alchemy crystal singing bowls recording and followed that up with a Light meditation which felt good and effective. It was about time.

Lesson learned

There are a few things I can share about the Ziemia ceremony that I helped facilitate last saturday, which I will do over the coming period as time allows.

First of all I learned (again) that sometimes things are very much NOT what they seem…
In the weeks leading up to the ceremony I grew more and more anxious because I was insecure about what I could contribute. The other participants all had visible, concrete skills in my eyes and I didn’t. I only have my healing of which I still am not confident in spite of all the positive feedback I received in the past. (In hindsight there also was a huge fear to be judged by people at that ceremony). It was not until 1 or 2 days before the ceremony that the anxiety subsided somewhat and I was looking forward to it again. So this is the mindset that I entered the ceremony with. I placed my seiza bench at the edge of the room so I had a place to sit when I did not have a task. Also, I kept a copy of the programme there so I could take a peek at it on the go, because I was too nervous to memorize it. The ceremony was opened by the organizer after which there was a 20-minute sound healing using crystal singing bowls. This was one of two occasions where the three present healers could wander through the room and give healing energy to the people attending. As I was seated at the edge of the room, it was logical I would start with the couple that was lying directly in front of me. As the sound healing started I noticed I was very anxious again, feeling scared and insecure. I looked at the couple and I couldn’t get myself to give them a healing, which includes touching for me because I always do that by placing my hands behind the ears. I was afraid of the reaction of the man and didn’t dare touch him. His partner was lying besides him, very obviously pregnant. This raised questions with me too, because I would like to put my hand on her belly for a healing but this is an action that is either highly appreciated or deemed inappropriate depending on the level of trust of the person. So I didn’t dare heal her as well.

I interpreted the resistance I felt as my own fear and insecurity.

Because I only had 20 minutes I decided to skip the couple and go into the room. I kneeled down behind the first person and gently put my hands behind the ears. The person did not open the eyes and was not disturbed by it, so my worry of that was unjustified in this case. I still was very tense though so the healing was messy in my head and didn’t feel very effective to me. Also I was kneeled which was painful for my toes so that was distracting. I continued to the next person and sat crosslegged behind her. When I put my hands around the back of her head, she didn’t react in any way so that was good. I noticed how different she felt compared to the previous person, but couldn’t describe that difference. It was like a heaviness. I gave her some violet flame energy and continued to the next person. She saw me coming and we exchanged a slight smile. I sat crosslegged behind her and again put my hands behind her ears. This person too felt different , a lot lighter that the previous one. This was interesting because this is the first time I’m treating strangers in a rapid succession and I was surprised that I felt these differences even though I was far from relaxed. The next person was a balled man with biker-like clothes. As I sat behind him I immediately thought of Archangel Raphael so I sent green healing energy into his body. Perhaps there was some physical malady present there but I wasn’t keen enough to think of asking for guidance what that was.

At a later stage in the ceremony there was a second timeframe where the healers could wander the room.

I decided to go back to the couple and try to give them a healing again. I sat down behind the man but I couldn’t get myself to begin. I was afraid of his reaction. The same with his pregnant wife. I decided to try and give him a healing without touching him but even that wouldn’t work. Eventually I just decided to skip them alltogether, letting go of the idea that everyone in the room must get a healing.

Why am I sharing this? Because I interpreted the resistance I felt with that couple as my own fear and insecurity. This was not the case however. One of the other healers did actually approach the couple to give them a healing and it ended up being a nasty discussion. The man wasn’t interested and rejected all good intentions. Probably the ceremony was not what he expected of it and maybe he regretted coming. The man’s behavior was quite unpleasant. When I heard about this after the ceremony I realized that the resistance I had felt was not coming from my fear or anxiety, but from them. It appears I was actually following my intuition without realizing it. It’s a shame that it kind of put a shadow over the entire evening for me because I didn’t realize this until afterwards. It’s a very valuable lesson – for the other healer too, because she realized she had the same intuition about the couple but approached them anyway because she felt everyone should get a healing – which is the limited brain talking.

So the big lesson here was to trust my feelings more. I need to pay more attention to them. That being said , discerning where the feelings are coming from – someone else or me – is something I have to learn.

Evening meditation

Tonight was an unusual meditation. I started with a Light meditation which was fine and I noticed that the meditation was deeper and more stable than usual. It’s not that mind didn’t wander or so but there was a slight gap between the experience of thoughts and sensations and the one who is aware of it. So mind was wandering but I was aware of it and it didn’t matter. Also lots of physical sensations came by that didn’t bother me. At some point the phrase “I am a being of Violet fire, I am the purity God desires” popped into my mind and I saw myself engulfed in Violet fire. Waves of subtle tingles kept washing over my body as I kept repeating the mantra in my mind. This continued for 15-30 minutes. When I spoke the mantra out loud a few times the sensations became even stronger and then dissipated for the most part. The gap between the experience and awareness remained and I effortlessly remained seated for the rest of the session enjoying this state. When I reluctantly finished to go to bed the timer was at 01:01:01.

My anxiety for the healing ceremony tomorrow is gone, looking forward to it.