evening meditation

Wanted to use this meditation to work on difficult feelings I have lately.
I remember a meditation I was gifted earlier and I give it a shot. I ask permission from mother Earth to grow a golden cord to my spine. I let the cord grow through my spine to the crown and into source.I let grief, regret, guilt etc flow into mother Earth for transmutation. It seems to help a bit.

Contrary to what I thought earlier : letting go of thoughts is not enough. It brings temporary relief of stress, but does not solve anything (unless you can stay in the Now indefinitely). I need to accept but that is so hard. I try. I wave goodbye and thank. I cry. I will have to do this multiple times.
At the same time there is this doubt in the background. How much of this is real? I don’t trust my thoughts or feelings , I have seen before how they unnecessarily create a world of pain in my head. The emotions follow the thoughts, so can I trust them? When looked at like this, what is interpersonal love? Is it also a construct?
Besides, I already saw with ‘my own’ eyes that there are no persons, all this stuff around us is just happening in a single process inside our boundless awareness which is our true nature. I don’t exist as a person, so my emotions are not mine, they are also just happening without an owner or do-er. The suffering comes from identifying with them. So it’s either Get Enlightened or Accept. I guess the key is: where is the one who suffers? Can I find him?

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