Yesterday I had a decent evening meditation. I went upstairs to my room and the moment I had installed myself and I picked up my phone in order to start an email arrived saying Fred Davis has just uploaded a video. I saw it was a guided meditation and I decided to just follow the suggestion and started it. It was a fine meditation and it put me in a pleasant state where I was more or less aware of the Observer. I remained seated like that for 30 more minutes.
After the meditation it was midnight but I wasn’t tired at all and I knew that going to bed was useless, I wouldn’t be able to sleep. Instead I decided to go to the forest. I walked to the bench that is at the open space with my favorite tree. It wasn’t cold and the sky was clear. I sat on the bench and just looked at the stars. After a while I channeled some material for myself (nothing new, just that I shouldn’t be so hard on myself and cut myself some slack from time to time) but I don’t know where\whom that was coming from. Could as well be myself. I lied down on the bench for a while and went home to sleep. It was now 01:15.
When I woke up this morning I felt funny; I felt strong emotion in my heart area that I interpreted as longing, but I wasn’t really identified with it. It was just there and I kept my attention on it and let it flow because it had a healing quality to it. I tried to keep my heart open by doing nothing with it. It seemed to flow between my heart, solar plexus and stomach. It just kept going and eventually I had to get up to do my morning meditation. The feeling subsided somewhat but returned during the meditation. A scene suddenly popped up in my head and I saw soil before me covered with leaves from the trees. I was kneeled and on my lap rested the head and shoulders of a person who was dead. I think it was a female and she was dressed like a house maiden would be in the 1700’s.
The flow of emotion felt like grief now. I let it flow and observed while something of a storyline developed. She had made a mistake in the past and had now sacrificed herself to make up for that, but since I loved her the sacrifice caused me great pain. As I sat there holding her I started to give her (and me in the scene) shamballa, light and love and intended to forgive her. I don’t know if it was sufficient but there was a lot of light. The flow has not stopped yet and continues while I write this.