Memory

I just woke up and noticed something that I noticed before. After I woke up the first impressions were the feeling of having had a good sleep, the singing birds, the sun on my face, the comfortability of the bed. I felt good. As my mind became active, it remembered that it was being sad yesterday and it goes on to retrieve and reinstate the sad feeling. I made a conscious effort to stop that process and stay in the happy feeling, but there was resistance. Why is that, I asked myself. Why would anyone want to hold on to sadness, especially if you have just seen it is not necessary? I can only guess. It may be habitual. It may be because it is part of the construction of the ego, because memory is arguably the main building block of ego, or small self. (Try it- look around you and let go of any thought or feeling that has to do with the past. Only look at that which is here and now – the senses, the body and whatever is around you. If your mind is empty of memory, of history, you cannot find a problem.)

Another part I noticed of the resistance to letting go of that sadness is that I felt that I was betraying the persons that I felt sad about. Like I have to feel sadness for them and the problem because it validates them. Or I have to feel sad for them because otherwise it would be proof that I don’t care for them. That is so silly of course. How does my mood or opinion or emotion affect the validity or worth of a loved one? It’s just in my head so this person’s reality is not affected and if it were, how could that sadness affect the person in a positive way? He or she would be better off if I were feeling happy about them, regardless of any problem they think they have.

When letting go of this history as I tried this morning, I also noticed some fear. When all this mind content is gone and only the neutral witnessing of thoughts and sensations remains, is this ‘enough’? It seems so empty. Is it possible to be happy that way? I sincerely think so, but I’ll have to try that out.

So my intention is now: use memory for practical use in daily life, but if memory is presenting me with problems that are not present in the physical Here and Now , let it go.

Staying observant of mind content and bodily sensations during the day is key. It is a challenge but doable and well worth it.

If you have anything you would like to share in this context, feel free to leave a comment!

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