Today was a day of turmoil. These are days that I wonder why I’m doing all this stuff because I don’t seem to be getting any happier so what’s the point. Sometimes it even seems the contrary. Yet for some reason I keep on going. I finished listening today to the Untethered Soul , a very good pragmatic book but the author (obviously an awakened soul) is constantly expressing the happiness, bliss and love one will experience once you identify with the observer instead of the voice in your head. But guess what – I identify with the voice so that is not my experience! It seems so far away. This frustrates me. The author had a spontaneous spiritual awakening early in life. He probably accumulated lots of good karma in earlier lives to deserve that but in my world it’s struggling hard for tiny glimpses.
Enough ranting, I know I shouldn’t do this because this is the sound of the inner voice that I don’t want to have at the steering wheel of my life, but these were/are my feelings today. I almost did not meditate today because I couldn’t motivate myself, but this evening I sat down anyway for my daily MCO.
I started with 19 minutes of regulated belly breathing , keeping the attention loosely with the abdomen. I contracted the pelvic floor at each out breath to accumulate energy in the lower dantian (firing up the stove they call that in Qigong). It didn’t build that much energy though. Then I started the MCO, going from center to center. I tried to let the energy dictate the tempo this time, if it took 3 breaths to get to the next spot – fine. I continued when it felt okay to continue. Sensations weren’t very strong excerpt at the 3rd eye. I wonder what’s the story there. At one point I decided to start breathing in through the 3rd eye, white energy coming in and bad stuff going out. I did this a few breaths and it intensified the sensation. It even felt like I was physically breathing through a hole in my forehead. I also tried this with others centers but sensations were less intense there.
After that I layed down on the treatment table and put a piece of apofyllite between my feet because I have a fungal infection coming up. I sent some energy to my foot, seeing my foot as radiantly healthy. After some time I stopped.
Let’s see how tomorrow goes.