This evening I tried a meditation by Penney Pierce called “track daily vibrations” but I quit after 10 minutes or so. This person is very advanced but I just can’t work with her material. I don’t know what it is but it frustrates me, I’m angry right now. Everytime I read something in her book “Frequency” or listen to one of her exercises I just can’t keep up with her. She’s asking all kinds of questions that I can’t answer and it makes me feel totally incompetent. Like the meditation I mentioned; “Note your physical vibration. Note your mental vibration. Now do this and that. Do your feel the difference?” NO I DON’T. After 10 minutes of questions like that it feels completely pointless to do these exercises and I feel down because I just don’t feel it. I can’t answer a single question. I’m already insecure about what I do and this doesn’t help. Again, she seems very advanced but I just think her material is not for me. I’m sure it’s very helpful for others. I know I shouldn’t get so frustrated over this but I’m already fighting to stay positive and this makes it harder. I’ll probably delete this post again soon, we’ll see.
Edit in the morning:
When I woke up I felt fine. Then I noticed my mind going back to yesterday evening and remembering my mood. I could feel the darkness returning but I stopped it by focusing on something positive. I’m not going back there.
Even though I’m not proud of the above I see that I’ve learned. I’ve had these kinds of episodes before and they can get very black. That didn’t happen this time because part of me recognized it and I kept some awareness of breath in the process, so I wasn’t completely absorbed in the negative thoughts.
I think this was caused by a rehearsal yesterday for a healing ceremony I will participate in next weekend. I found myself surrounded by people who, in my mind’s perception, I am inferior to and this caused me to feel fearful and inadequate. I know that’s bullshit and it’s just me being put to the test, an opportunity to free myself. We’ll see how this develops.